Survival

Happy Sunday night!  I AM GOING TO CHANGE OUR BLOG FAMILY PHOTO SOON.  Here's the deal, and I am embarrassed to admit it, but we only have ONE picture of the 7 of us together (here is where photography friends cringe.  And me, too, honestly.).  It was taken the night we came home from the airport.  Add to that a new computer, basketball season and rehearsal season and Christmas season a busy season of life, and well, it just hasn't gotten changed yet.  I will do it!!! As I type, I hear the hum of my bathtub.  JETTED TUB= WHOLE NEW WORLD.  Tyson wants "bubbles" every day and when I turn on the jets he giggles with endless delight every. single. time.  I am just here to tell you people something.... the simplest things that I just gave NO thought to on a daily basis are where he finds the most joy.  It has been the sweetest thing to just be still and to stop.  To take notice.  To recognize the novelty of things, of people, of places. 
The weekend went by quickly, as always.  But, with it came new experiences. FIRSTS.  Thursday night Tyson was able to see himself on TV for the first time (might be the last time, but I doubt it).  My sweet friend, since childhood, Kelli Parker, is the producer and host of "The Good Life with Kelli Parker."  She contacted us a few days after we arrived home to see if we would be willing to do a segment on her show about our adoption.  So, the Thursday after we arrived home our home was bustling with TV cameras and bright lights.  You should have seen Tyson's eyes... bright with wonder and utter confusion mystery.  We gave him instructions to stay quiet while we were interviewed, which meant he had to put his iPod away, because despite having a volume button and headphones, it rarely stays quiet.  Or, he gets really into his worship and bursts out singing loudly while the headphones are on he bursts out with his beautiful singing voice while listening.  What we didn't ask him not to do was open and close every door in the house, go pee with the door open AND THEN FLUSH THE TOILET, or to play less than one inch from the feet of the light stands.  Needless  to say, we were trying to parent with our eyes a bit distracted, but when the final segment came out, I DIDN'T HEAR ONE DOOR CLOSE OR ONE FLUSH OF THE TOILET (insert Hallelujah chorus here).  Kelli did a great job editing and we are grateful for the opportunity to share about adoption, with the hopes it will prompt just one family to further discuss how adoption fits into their family.  Sometimes we just need a big nudge little encouragement!
Late Thursday night after Brycen's basketball game, Mark headed to Atlanta for two nights for Passion planning.  So, I was holding down the fort over the weekend. Thursday night Tyson fell asleep on Brycen in "Dad's chair."  When I went to move him to his room, he woke up briefly.  It was RIGHT THEN I realized that no one had asked to sleep with me in my bed (a fun treat we always do when Dad is gone).  So, I asked Tyson, in his sleepy stupor, if he wanted to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed since Daddy was gone.  His eyebrows raised and he got a half-grin on his face.  I tucked him into Mark's side of the bed and rubbed his face for a second.  I almost couldn't believe my eyes.  Another first.  He's here and he's ours.  Sometimes I just still can't even believe it.  He slept great and didn't seem to mind when I nearly smothered him trying to cuddle him so close pulled him close.  The next morning he couldn't wait to call Mark to "tell Dad me sleep on his pillow." Friday night Regan went to spend the night with Nana right after school. Brycen had plans to go to midnight breakfast Friday night with the youth group.  Midnight Breakfast involves eating, playing games (this past week it was hide-and-go-seek in the dark), and having fun from 10pm-midnight.  I made the little boys aware of the plan that we would stay up to take Brycen to church (Thank you, Kristi Altom for volunteering to bring him home).  They immediately started planning on what pillows and blankets they wanted to take into the car TO DRIVE BRYCEN TO CHURCH.  For those unfamiliar, we live about 3.5 miles from church.  But, they couldn't wait to wear their pajamas, wrap up in warm blankets, and rest their heads on pillows on the car ride to drop him off and get back home.  It literally took us twice as much time to get loaded and comfortable in the car because blankets and seatbelts hate each other than it did to actually drive there and back.  Either way, it was super fun and I kept trying to think of somewhere we could drive to since we went to all the trouble.  But, it turns out there IS something cozy about the car, a blanket, and a pillow.  Within a half mile of leaving the church all three of them were sleeping sound.  Nevermind it was well past their bedtime! 
Friday quickly gave way to Saturday and our original plan was to be home all day, but plans are meant to be changed I woke feeling spontaneous and decided to take all of the boys to the UT basketball game (we had free tickets).  We were joined by friends, which always makes it more fun.  And, my friend Nina and I were the two ladies who tried to enter the arena with our regular humongous purses.  We were CLUELESS the "clear bag policy" wasn't just for football games.  Laugh if you want, but we had the privilege of getting our exercise in early that day to walk half a mile back to the cars to put our purses away.  In the meantime, Brycen was a rockstar in charge of getting the little boys into the arena and into seats.  Tyson was bright-eyed for nearly the whole first half.  I am not sure if it was the peanut M&M's or all the lights or the banners or the cheerleaders or the fact that we moved from the nosebleed section where they give free tickets from the 300 level to the 100 level.  I, thinking I was being frugal, bought a drink for the boys to share. And, I, as usual, forgot to order it without ice.  Some things just aren't natural to me yet and this ranks as number 1.  I don't think I have remembered to order his drink with no ice yet.  So, off Brycen went to get us another drink, this time with no ice.  Then, all was right in the world.  Tyson never gets upset about the ice.  He just looks into the cup, if he sees ice, he turns up his nose and says, "No thank you."  And THEN I remember.  I am going to make it my goal to GET THIS RIGHT next time.  The second half of the game wasn't quite so much fun, but he loved crazy dancing with Hudson and Isaac, which distracted him from the game but heaven help the people sitting beside, behind, and in front of us.
All in all it shaped up to be a great weekend with Dad coming back home Saturday afternoon and Regan returning Saturday night.  As the weekend has progressed, however, I have been really contemplating this one thing: survival.  Not so much for me, but really trying to put myself in a place to try to understand what it must've been like to live so many years simply in survival mode.  From the outset Tyson has been so curious, which is likely why he is so smart.  Like, y'all, he's REALLY smart (just today he said, "I am freezing."  Which, I think "freezing" is an advanced word for his age and time he's been here. "Cold" would've been much more what I would've expected).  He's a fast learner and very inquisitive.  He constantly wants to see what you are doing:  how do you turn on the TV?, how do you use "On Demand?," how do you start the car?, how do you unlock the car?, how do you turn on the shower?, how do you drain the water?, How do you cook that? how do you put the battery in my remote control car?, how do you sharpen a pencil?, how do you pay bills?, how does that card know if you have money in the bank?, how do you iron clothes?, how do you wash clothes?  Dry clothes?, etc  You get the picture.  ALL DAY EVERY DAY.  It's very cute and I love teaching him.  And, I always know when he wants to know how to do something because he pulls up a chair or comes beside me and says, "Me help you."  That is code for "show me."  Those are some of my favorite times every day.  But, as I have thought about it and watched, part of my heart breaks.  On Friday afternoon Tyson came in asking if he could ride his Artic Cat (a battery-operated vehicle he drives outside).  I knew the battery had been charging in the dining room, but before I could get in to get it, he was already in there trying to lift it.  I picked it up and took it outside.  As I walked toward the car I said, "Brycen, do you know how to put this battery in?  I can figure it out, if not." Typically, this Mark's "department." Tyson chimed in, "Me do.  Me help Dad."  Translation: I know how to do it.  I watched Dad.
Of course, I was grateful he knew, but it was in that moment, when he was opening the hood of that car that it hit me... He wants to know how everything works so that he doesn't have to depend on anyone.  It's for survival.  Remember the broken bike at the orphanage that every few pedals he would put down, fix, and get back on and ride?  If he hadn't learned to fix it on his own, he couldn't have ridden it.  When you spend your life in a place where the adults can't be trusted to fix broken things or come to you every time you cry, you learn to survive.  His orphanage was "good" as far as orphanages go.  But, when 30 kids live where 5-6 adults are working at a time, it doesn't take long to figure out that for much of life, you're on your own.  Alone when you're sick and left to fend for yourself when things are broken. His "need to know" I suspect is partly a desire to genuinely know.  Also, I am suspect, however,  it might partly be survival.  Until he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can trust us to meet his needs and provide for him, he wants to know how things work in case we don't come through and he's left on his own. That's hard to type.  When you grow up not being able to depend on the adults in your life, you learn to depend on only one: yourself.  So, at every opportunity, he seeks to learn.  I am okay with that for now, as it gives us time together and time to bond.  But, I am praying for discernment for when it isn't about bonding and learning.  When it turns from learning to "I can't depend on you so I want to know" I want Holy Spirit to make me aware.  I want opportunities where Tyson is forced to depend on us so that he can find us to be trustworthy.  Survival is an interesting thing, ya know? It pushes us to do things we didn't know we were capable of.  It forces us to be so self-sufficient that we isolate ourselves out of fear of being let down or rejected or abandoned. again.  All of this thinking on survival mechanisms got me thinking about Jesus.  About my own survival mechanisms.  How I sometimes think I know how to do life or how to solve a problem and I never go to Him to say, "Show me."  Or, I let him "show me" once and then I think I have it figured out and I don't continue to go to Him EVERY DAY.  I somehow lose sight of how utterly dependent on Him I really am.  Much like Tyson, who might FEEL independent, but in reality he is dependent on us whether he FEELS like it or not.  I want to KNOW how dependent I am on Him.  How I can't trust myself.  I want the reminders that I can't possibly figure it all out.  And THANK GOODNESS I DON'T HAVE TO.  I have spent yesterday and today giving Holy Spirit permission to convict me, reveal to me the areas of my life where I am so self-sufficient and self-reliant that I don't even realize that I have isolated myself from Him.  I pray you will consider doing the same.  Before Jesus, all we had was our own depraved minds to depend on.  The only one we could trust was ourselves (or so we thought).  But, trusting our own minds gets us into  deep pits that we cannot get out of on our own.  Once we know Jesus, however, it all changes.  He is the One who pulls us out of the pits and redeems, renews, restores us.  We can throw all of us into trusting all of Him.  He is our trustworthy Father. 
Since starting this post, that bathtub hum was replaced with all the giggles after Hudson discovered we have THREE boys bathrobes!  Each one is donned in a bathrobe as I type.  Needless to say, they asked Mark and me to put on our robes as well.  So, here I sit, pajama pants, t-shirt, and a brown terry-cloth robe.  What else is a Momma to do?  "Firsts" are all over the place around here.  I don't want to miss them.  Thank you for giving me a place to remember and reflect. 

grateful for Jesus.
carrie