I just reread my last post about being willing to yield. I am so tickled at the Lord and His timing. He has literally had the theme of "willing to yield" pressing in so tightly on my heart and mind, there have been days I could hardly think past those three words. He is so kind in His ways, His words, His intentionality. He is SO unbelievably personal. This past Friday was a day like any other... school, visiting Santa at the local Bass Pro Shop, dinner with friends. Nothing crazy or out of the norm for this season. Until Mark said (as he was driving us to dinner), "hey, will you read this email. It just came to my phone?" And then he handed me his phone. I immediately noticed it was from a dear friend that we have grown to love and trust at Bethany (our adoption agency). She has always been quick to encourage us, pray for us, listen through our frustration and tears. Her email started out by saying she had woken early one morning last week feeling led to pray for our family, especially knowing how difficult the holidays will be for us. Again. She explained that she only wants for our family what God wants for our family, and not being around early on in our adoption journey, she certainly didn't want to push us or overstep any lines. She was writing to simply tell us what she felt the Lord was asking her to tell us. And then she wrote, "Would you consider a son.....?" In the end it was a sweet email saturated in prayer. She simply asked us to spend the weekend praying about a girl OR a boy. In this, it would obviously leave God the open door to still bring a daughter home, but it would also open up Him giving us a son.
It begged so many questions at first. Obviously, my first thoughts went to Regan. My second thoughts went to dreams, mental images, "L"'s on our walls, on stockings, and "Lakin" written on so many things in our home. Both of our minds began to race... Clearly, we had discussed adopting a son with a second adoption and along this process we had discussed it numerous times. But, we always came back to the fact that a girl is what we said and where our heads and hearts have been for 3 years. Then, the next questions were, "why? Why did we initially say a girl?" Three years is a long time. Hudson was 1 and Corbin was 2... Regan was 6, Brycen was 8. Our lives looked so different. So did THIS process from THIS country. When we first started it didn't matter what gender, the wait time was 3-6 months. Did I mention a lot has changed?! As the days, weeks, months, and years have passed, what we initially expected to happen died a long time ago. So, we prayed. Boy, have we prayed. We called a few people who know us and our hearts, who have tirelessly prayed for us, and explained the situation, asking them to spend the weekend in prayer for us. Each one was so faithful and eager to step in and serve us in this selfless way. We will forever be grateful. Our initial talk to the kids about this was with Brycen, as Regan was with my parents over the weekend. Oh, God's timing... it is SO perfect. Brycen asked a few questions like, "Does this mean we would still do another adoption?" "So, we will get a boy and a girl eventually, we just wouldn't know the order yet?' and many more. All appropriate, great questions. He was, needless to say, excited either way.
But, one thing remained: talking to Regan. Mark and I went out Saturday night on a date. Most of the night was focused on where we felt God was leading our family in regards to this adoption and how every scenario would impact life (as much as we could predict). We were honest about our fears, discussed how exciting this change could be, and had such a great time looking at how God has been stretching and teaching us. How He has been preparing my heart for weeks as I have been sitting in being willing to yield.
Regan came home Saturday night and I went in to have the talk with her while she was in the bathtub. I figured there is no better place to have a captive audience! I started out letting her know there was total freedom for total honesty. I wanted her to know that her trusting us was paramount and if what I had to say would make her not trust us, it wasn't even up for discussion. She listened intently, not missing a word. I finally told her about the email and said, "this in no way means we have to do this or that we are doing this. It simply means God used this lady to prompt us to seek Him again about a boy OR a girl." She tried not to cry at first, but the sobs started. I went over to her head and touched her face and said, "You don't have to say a word. If it means this much to you..." and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "Mom, that is not why I am crying. I am just so tired of waiting. It's HARD!" And then, I cried. Holding her hand while she explained, "So many people tell me they know it's been hard and it's been a long time. Mom, they have NO idea." It was such a sweet moment with her. To just cry together and explain that "Dad and I had no idea, Regan, that it would take so long and be so hard on us." She shook her head saying, "I know, Mom. It's hard for you, too." I talked to her about my real concerns regarding long-term resentment that might come if a boy came home first. She listened and thought. I asked her to pray about it and I said, "If you are not ok with this, it really is ok. We initially chose a girl because gender wasn't a factor in waiting and at the time it made sense to us, but at the end of the day, God called us to care for the orphan." Her response reached out and touched my core. Her wise words brought so much comfort to my fears, my reservations, my worrying about her. She said this, with tears streaming down her face, "I am kind of tired of just praying for and waiting for orphans. I am ready to actually start CARING for one, a girl or a boy." tears burned in my eyes as our eyes met and I didn't even wipe them away. I just looked at her and said, "You teach me so much." She went on, "Three years is a long time to wait when there are so many orphans, girls AND boys, who need families." I tried to regain my composure, reminding myself that I came there to talk with her, not the other way around. We discussed so many options and outcomes. Talked about God building our family how He wants in whatever order He wants. And, when we were finishing up I said, "I just need to know if you are 50% ok with this, 80% ok, or 100% ok because we can wait to decide." She touched my hand and said, "Mom, I am 110% ok with this. Let's do it!" I walked to my room and cried. And cried. He is always SO before us. Preparing the way when we couldn't even see that a way needed to be prepared, He goes before us.
As I have prayed over the last few days, asking God to show me how to be more willing to yield, He has been so faithful. I have felt like for all this time I have been holding out my hands with the pieces I was willing for God to use to build my life. This weekend He has kindly, gently, lovingly whispered, "Put your hands behind your back. Let me start from scratch and create your life My way with My pieces. It far exceeds your plans. Trust Me."
Today, as we opened our advent book, "Waiting Here for You," we had such a great discussion with Brycen and Regan about the topic for the day. It will likely find its way on our walls somewhere. I can't say enough how intentional He has been to lead us. Today's thought in the book was this: Who you become while you are waiting is as important as what you are waiting for.
Sigh. I am thankful for the reminder.
So, here goes. Hands behind my back, heart full, and hope high. We are excited to let you know that we called the agency today to tell them we are willing to adopt a boy OR a girl. The excitement around here is nearly tangible as we sit in a new place of faith. Stretched. Challenged. Thankful.
We are tickled pink OR blue.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Willing to Yield
It is never easy to sit and look at this blank screen and flashing cursor when there is still nothing new happening in regards to our adoption. It simply isn't where we thought we would be at this time. Three years after completing our first piece of paperwork and still nothing tangible to show for it. It's surreal. And hard. And, in all honesty, lonely. No human word can heal our hurts of longing, but the Lord hasn't stopped teaching us, teaching me, growing us, growing me, when we are simply
willing to yield.
This past summer the older kids and I spent the summer finishing up memorizing the book of James. It was in those weeks that we first really meditated on and studied what would be my theme over the course of the last several weeks. Simply put, be....
willing to yield.
When the kids and I first studied it, the idea was so tangible. I could see how practical and valuable and useful and humbling these three words were. At first, I could hear arguing over a toy, fighting over who sat in which seat in the car, whose turn it was to go first, who would get the last piece of candy, and I could simply say, "Who is going to be
willing to yield?"
This idea of yielding is such a lost "art" in our culture on so many levels. And, in discussions with the kids we often noted how counter to our culture it actually has become. As a matter of fact, we talked about how yielding really is supernatural. It is the idea of willingly putting someone else's benefit above your own. The imagery is that of a car yielding to allow another to proceed before or of one turning his/her body sideways, arm outstretched to the side allowing the way of another to pass by. James says it like this in chapter 3, verse 17, "But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and
willing to yield
to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere." Wisdom from above is full of mercy. It is gentle and it is peace loving at all times. All times. Even when it is hard, goes against what we want, or isn't what we "signed up for." sigh. Wisdom from above is what I want above all else. Written right here in black and white James, inspired by the Holy Spirit, tells us what true wisdom looks like...it looks like mercy. It looks like gentleness and peace at all times. It looks like someone with a spirit that is
willing to yield.
I have just completed a Bible study where I was asked, again, to examine James 3 in depth. It was as if these three words came off the page to me. Again. But, this time it was with a different sense of purpose or meaning. It was as if my prior experience of seeing tangible ways to yield to others was just to prepare me for what God had for me in this season. As I reread James 3:17 this go around I heard these words so differently. It was no longer about seats in the car, toys, sharing, taking turns, or driving a car. In my longing and hurting I have been desperate for the tangible. To come to the realization there isn't one other couple on the planet that Mark and I know that we can look at who really understand what it is like to be walking in these shoes. That is tough. Others who have waited for things? sure. Others who have longed? of course. Others who have adopted? absolutely. Others who have waited this long, willing to adopt an older child from Ethiopia without even a face, a name, or an age? not one. The human in me wants something tangible. As our Bible Fellowship class recently studied Isaiah 53 we discussed the impact of Jesus being 100% divine as well as 100% human. To know He understands as a human has proven to be so healing and helpful. However, it isn't (necessarily) tangible. As my mind and heart began to grasp (again) for what I could hold onto, trust, see, I could sense Holy Spirit whispering, "be
willing to yield."
As God pressed in on this in my heart I finally realized that harder than yielding to what is tangible is yielding to what is not: His will, His way, His timing. A person that will yield to others, meaning will give up what he/she wants for the sake of another, is one who won't fight to prove a point or feel the need to always be "right." However, a person with a SPIRIT that is
willing to yield
is one who won't fight His will, His way, His timing. It's difficult to even type for me, in all authenticity. Quite frankly, because I don't like it. And I am just to the point of being able to accept that just because I don't like it has nothing to do with the fact that it is the way to wisdom. It actually has everything to do with His saying it. In all His infinite wisdom and all He could have left for us regarding obtaining "wisdom from above" He chose to leave us with these nuggets of truth: Be
willing to yield.
In our flesh and nature this will not happen. It has to be intentional. It has to be planned. It is a matter of trust. Am I willing to trust that He knows best, sees all, and is keenly aware of every detail in my circumstance? Or am I trusting what is tangible, what I can see, and how I feel (that's a big one!)? Am I
willing to yield
control to Him? As I type, I have tears streaming down my face at how raw this still is for me. No one on planet earth could have prepared me for this adoption journey. It's tougher, longer, harder, and fiercer than I could have ever imagined. But, in it all, He hasn't taken His eyes off us, her, or the clock over our heads. Not for one second. In my flesh, I would rather fight about who rides up front, whose turn it is to go first, or who gets the last piece of candy. But, God has something bigger, richer, greater in mind.... His plan, His will, His way, His timing. In the end, He is most concerned about my heart and how I trust Him with all of my life. Every season. Every detail. Every circumstance. Little by little, He is growing me to better understand that in order to fully trust Him I must be
willing to yield.
To step aside, arm outstretched, and in my posture say, "Go ahead of me. I insist." I don't know your struggle or if you can relate in any way. However, I want to encourage someone today with the promise of this verse. In the area of life you feel the most desperate for His wisdom, I would encourage you to simply let Him work on your heart in regards to yielding. Perhaps for you it is matter of mercy, gentleness, peace. Or perhaps, you could pull up a chair across from me at Starbucks over a latte, and we could be in good company. Company that needs this truth to sink way down.... True wisdom from above is
willing to yield.
Even if I don't always like it or understand it. His patience is limitless, thank goodness! So, it may just come in baby steps, if you are like me. I have found myself repeating over and over again in my head for days or weeks at a time,
"willing to yield. willing to yield. willing to yield."
Finally, it starts to sink in a little deeper. And, even there, His goodness is waiting. As each of us press on in the road He has asked us to walk, I am thankful He allows us to walk it together. As we seek His wisdom, we cannot overlook the role our own choices make in regards to this truth: we must be
willing to yield.
It simply isn't optional in order to gain His wisdom. And, when it's time to meet up at Starbucks in good company, you order first. I insist.
willing to yield.
I have just completed a Bible study where I was asked, again, to examine James 3 in depth. It was as if these three words came off the page to me. Again. But, this time it was with a different sense of purpose or meaning. It was as if my prior experience of seeing tangible ways to yield to others was just to prepare me for what God had for me in this season. As I reread James 3:17 this go around I heard these words so differently. It was no longer about seats in the car, toys, sharing, taking turns, or driving a car. In my longing and hurting I have been desperate for the tangible. To come to the realization there isn't one other couple on the planet that Mark and I know that we can look at who really understand what it is like to be walking in these shoes. That is tough. Others who have waited for things? sure. Others who have longed? of course. Others who have adopted? absolutely. Others who have waited this long, willing to adopt an older child from Ethiopia without even a face, a name, or an age? not one. The human in me wants something tangible. As our Bible Fellowship class recently studied Isaiah 53 we discussed the impact of Jesus being 100% divine as well as 100% human. To know He understands as a human has proven to be so healing and helpful. However, it isn't (necessarily) tangible. As my mind and heart began to grasp (again) for what I could hold onto, trust, see, I could sense Holy Spirit whispering, "be
willing to yield."
As God pressed in on this in my heart I finally realized that harder than yielding to what is tangible is yielding to what is not: His will, His way, His timing. A person that will yield to others, meaning will give up what he/she wants for the sake of another, is one who won't fight to prove a point or feel the need to always be "right." However, a person with a SPIRIT that is
willing to yield
is one who won't fight His will, His way, His timing. It's difficult to even type for me, in all authenticity. Quite frankly, because I don't like it. And I am just to the point of being able to accept that just because I don't like it has nothing to do with the fact that it is the way to wisdom. It actually has everything to do with His saying it. In all His infinite wisdom and all He could have left for us regarding obtaining "wisdom from above" He chose to leave us with these nuggets of truth: Be
willing to yield.
In our flesh and nature this will not happen. It has to be intentional. It has to be planned. It is a matter of trust. Am I willing to trust that He knows best, sees all, and is keenly aware of every detail in my circumstance? Or am I trusting what is tangible, what I can see, and how I feel (that's a big one!)? Am I
willing to yield
control to Him? As I type, I have tears streaming down my face at how raw this still is for me. No one on planet earth could have prepared me for this adoption journey. It's tougher, longer, harder, and fiercer than I could have ever imagined. But, in it all, He hasn't taken His eyes off us, her, or the clock over our heads. Not for one second. In my flesh, I would rather fight about who rides up front, whose turn it is to go first, or who gets the last piece of candy. But, God has something bigger, richer, greater in mind.... His plan, His will, His way, His timing. In the end, He is most concerned about my heart and how I trust Him with all of my life. Every season. Every detail. Every circumstance. Little by little, He is growing me to better understand that in order to fully trust Him I must be
willing to yield.
To step aside, arm outstretched, and in my posture say, "Go ahead of me. I insist." I don't know your struggle or if you can relate in any way. However, I want to encourage someone today with the promise of this verse. In the area of life you feel the most desperate for His wisdom, I would encourage you to simply let Him work on your heart in regards to yielding. Perhaps for you it is matter of mercy, gentleness, peace. Or perhaps, you could pull up a chair across from me at Starbucks over a latte, and we could be in good company. Company that needs this truth to sink way down.... True wisdom from above is
willing to yield.
Even if I don't always like it or understand it. His patience is limitless, thank goodness! So, it may just come in baby steps, if you are like me. I have found myself repeating over and over again in my head for days or weeks at a time,
"willing to yield. willing to yield. willing to yield."
Finally, it starts to sink in a little deeper. And, even there, His goodness is waiting. As each of us press on in the road He has asked us to walk, I am thankful He allows us to walk it together. As we seek His wisdom, we cannot overlook the role our own choices make in regards to this truth: we must be
willing to yield.
It simply isn't optional in order to gain His wisdom. And, when it's time to meet up at Starbucks in good company, you order first. I insist.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
When The Veil Thins
I never dreamed six months would pass between posts. I also never dreamed we would still be waiting. Though we believe our days of waiting are coming to a close, I am learning to celebrate the process. What a process. I have never been much of one to ask, "Why?" Seems to me, God doesn't owe us an explanation and even if He gave one it likely wouldn't be "good enough" to ease my heart ache. I trust Him. I trust His timing. And, I am learning to trust the veils He hangs. And the kindness He extends
When the Veil thins.
There are countless families waiting, much like us. That neither eases the heartache or justifies it, it simply reminds me that we are not alone. Since we began our adoption 2 1/2 years ago, our lives have changed so much. Our priorities have changed so much. Our perspective has changed so much. God has been so faithful to allow us the privilege of walking down roads of caring for orphans through so many family and friends. Some through the foster system, some foster to adopt, some through domestic adoption, and others through international adoption. The many faces of adoption still melt my heart and leave me undone. It has been a joy to serve these families as well as to be served by them. Another opportunity that came to us in the process was caring for orphans and restaveks (child slaves) in Haiti. As many of you know, we have been actively involved in opening a home in Gressier, Haiti for 5 rescued restaveks. Our time in Haiti has been sweet and hard and rewarding and stretching and revealing and humbling. I am still blown away that God allows human beings to be even a small part in His plan to make all things new. But, He is the faithful One... He, indeed, is making all things new. Those sweet young ladies (and babies) living at Kay Libete (The Freedom House) are tangible evidences of His redemptive plan. I had the privilege of traveling back to Gressier with two young ladies from our church at the end of May. It had been 7 weeks since my previous trip and I had prayed and hoped I would be in Ethiopia and unable to make the May trip. But, God had a different plan and it was on the May trip that I realized His faithfulness
when the veil thins.
Off and on for several months I would let the doubts and questions swarm in my head for a bit, but would try to quickly speak His truths to the lies and let fear subside. I want to be authentic in this journey....This is the hardest thing I have ever done. We have ever done. And the most beautiful. There are days I know God has been purposed in hanging veils and other days I am frustrated at the obscurity and uncertainty the hanging veils leave. His plans are full of purpose and love. That has never wavered. But, when you can't make sense of the plan or when it doesn't go anything like you expected, there are days it's difficult to sort truth from lies. This makes His lavish grace more tangible
when the veil thins.
On the plane ride to Haiti in May I was journaling while listening to music on my iPod. I was pouring out my prayers regarding adoption in my journal and then it happened. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart loud and clear. I could hardly control my tears because I knew He was speaking words of healing to my hurting heart. The more I listened, the faster my pen wrote. As I sat writing, one kind, unnecessary, generous "why" came.
The Veil Thinned.
If I had my way and our referral had come when everyone expected (including our agency) we would not have had the opportunity to invest in Haiti. At least in this season. In God's Sovereignty I believe the young ladies at Kay Libete would have found restoration. However, the role they each play in our lives is such a blessing, my eyes blurred at the mere thought of life without them. Had I had my way, I would have never known the joy of watching one of them be baptized after giving her life to Jesus while we were there in April. Or the joy of knowing one rescued from a voodoo temple now sleeps safely and securely in the arms of Jesus. Oh the peace that comes
when the veil thins.
Again, God owes us no "why." We aren't asking Him for one. We do believe the process has made us more compassionate to those longing (on many levels regarding many circumstances). It has most certainly taught us more about His heart toward us, His extravagant pursuit of us, His tender love for us even before we trust Him. As we press on in our final days before we see her face, we are trusting Him more than ever. We have come to REALLY realize our total dependence MUST be on Him. No other circumstance has pushed us to our knees or forced us to lay all we have at His feet like this journey. I am so thankful for the process. Whatever veils might be hanging for you right now.... those things that are not clear, those plans that are not going like you believed they would, those circumstances that are uncertain and unpredictable... I pray you, too, will begin to see the beauty in the process. It certainly hasn't come naturally for me. It has not been easy or even fun most days. But, it has been beautiful. In your season of longing, I pray you will push to see His face more and to trust Him fully. Even when you know there is no answer that would satisfy your "why," I pray you will have renewed strength as you wait on Him. And, out of nowhere He might grab hold of your pen mid-air and take your breath away! I am praying you will see His extravagant love, unmatched kindness, limitless grace, and tender mercies for you
when the veil thins.
When the Veil thins.
There are countless families waiting, much like us. That neither eases the heartache or justifies it, it simply reminds me that we are not alone. Since we began our adoption 2 1/2 years ago, our lives have changed so much. Our priorities have changed so much. Our perspective has changed so much. God has been so faithful to allow us the privilege of walking down roads of caring for orphans through so many family and friends. Some through the foster system, some foster to adopt, some through domestic adoption, and others through international adoption. The many faces of adoption still melt my heart and leave me undone. It has been a joy to serve these families as well as to be served by them. Another opportunity that came to us in the process was caring for orphans and restaveks (child slaves) in Haiti. As many of you know, we have been actively involved in opening a home in Gressier, Haiti for 5 rescued restaveks. Our time in Haiti has been sweet and hard and rewarding and stretching and revealing and humbling. I am still blown away that God allows human beings to be even a small part in His plan to make all things new. But, He is the faithful One... He, indeed, is making all things new. Those sweet young ladies (and babies) living at Kay Libete (The Freedom House) are tangible evidences of His redemptive plan. I had the privilege of traveling back to Gressier with two young ladies from our church at the end of May. It had been 7 weeks since my previous trip and I had prayed and hoped I would be in Ethiopia and unable to make the May trip. But, God had a different plan and it was on the May trip that I realized His faithfulness
when the veil thins.
Off and on for several months I would let the doubts and questions swarm in my head for a bit, but would try to quickly speak His truths to the lies and let fear subside. I want to be authentic in this journey....This is the hardest thing I have ever done. We have ever done. And the most beautiful. There are days I know God has been purposed in hanging veils and other days I am frustrated at the obscurity and uncertainty the hanging veils leave. His plans are full of purpose and love. That has never wavered. But, when you can't make sense of the plan or when it doesn't go anything like you expected, there are days it's difficult to sort truth from lies. This makes His lavish grace more tangible
when the veil thins.
On the plane ride to Haiti in May I was journaling while listening to music on my iPod. I was pouring out my prayers regarding adoption in my journal and then it happened. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart loud and clear. I could hardly control my tears because I knew He was speaking words of healing to my hurting heart. The more I listened, the faster my pen wrote. As I sat writing, one kind, unnecessary, generous "why" came.
The Veil Thinned.
If I had my way and our referral had come when everyone expected (including our agency) we would not have had the opportunity to invest in Haiti. At least in this season. In God's Sovereignty I believe the young ladies at Kay Libete would have found restoration. However, the role they each play in our lives is such a blessing, my eyes blurred at the mere thought of life without them. Had I had my way, I would have never known the joy of watching one of them be baptized after giving her life to Jesus while we were there in April. Or the joy of knowing one rescued from a voodoo temple now sleeps safely and securely in the arms of Jesus. Oh the peace that comes
when the veil thins.
Again, God owes us no "why." We aren't asking Him for one. We do believe the process has made us more compassionate to those longing (on many levels regarding many circumstances). It has most certainly taught us more about His heart toward us, His extravagant pursuit of us, His tender love for us even before we trust Him. As we press on in our final days before we see her face, we are trusting Him more than ever. We have come to REALLY realize our total dependence MUST be on Him. No other circumstance has pushed us to our knees or forced us to lay all we have at His feet like this journey. I am so thankful for the process. Whatever veils might be hanging for you right now.... those things that are not clear, those plans that are not going like you believed they would, those circumstances that are uncertain and unpredictable... I pray you, too, will begin to see the beauty in the process. It certainly hasn't come naturally for me. It has not been easy or even fun most days. But, it has been beautiful. In your season of longing, I pray you will push to see His face more and to trust Him fully. Even when you know there is no answer that would satisfy your "why," I pray you will have renewed strength as you wait on Him. And, out of nowhere He might grab hold of your pen mid-air and take your breath away! I am praying you will see His extravagant love, unmatched kindness, limitless grace, and tender mercies for you
when the veil thins.
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