One of "Those" Days

Today, we welcomed a new niece into the family! She is a beautiful baby with a head full of brown hair, weighing in at a whopping 8lb, 4 oz! Today, we held her. Sweet Baby Brynley. Today Mark and I drove to the hospital alone and chatted about some adoption decisions. We even talked about needing to get a mattress for Regan's bottom bunk bed sometime. Today, God provided it when a friend asked if anyone needed a full mattress. Today.

Today, I came home to house full of women who were finishing up Bible Study while I had been at the hospital. I put the little boys down for a nap after lunch and I sat. Tearful. Today. I know God is already growing me so much through this journey. Today, I was reminded of being a spiritual orphan in need of a Rescuer. Today, I was reminded of the beauty of birth, life, relationships. In the quiet, I sat, grabbed my Bible as I tried to keep the tears from falling, thinking about what our daughter might be doing in Ethiopia, likely preparing for bed. More tears. Today I was reminded that she likely sleeps in a room with many other children, without her own pajamas, bed, or blanket. Today.

Then, I just let them fall... all those tears I have for her. Well, not all of them, but the ones for today. Today, God was so gentle to me through His word as I read. He reminded me of His tender mercies, His holding every tear in a bottle, His provisions, and His unique ability to renew our strength. Today, I read some verses in Isaiah about waiting on the Lord. Not on finances. Not on answers to questions. Not on our time. Not on paperwork. Only in waiting on the Lord can our strength be renewed. Today I needed that reminder.

Today, I want our daughter to know she is loved. Today I want her to feel full. Today I want her to be well. Just like baby Brynley, our little girl is such a gift. I have thought about her all day. Today is just one of "those" days.

IT'S A.... GIRL!!!!

I love being pregnant. Really. What a mystery and miracle, all woven up into one expanding tummy!! Pregnancy amazes me. From start to finish, I am fascinated and captured by the intricate detail it involves. As a labor and delivery nurse for 10 years, I shared in thousands of birth experiences. Some I can remember perfectly, but many of them all run together as just "a days work." But, for every mom and baby I cared for, that mom remembers every detail of her experience. Amazing. Life-changing. Miraculous.

One of my favorite seasons of pregnancy is around the 18-20th week when we enter that small, dark room to confirm the gender of our wee one. So many dreams for him/her already, names swarming in our heads, and mental pictures of what a girl would look like or what a boy would look like. Then, walking out and making the proclamation, "It's a...." as everyone waits with wide eyes. I love being pregnant.

But, over the course of the last few months God has opened my eyes to a different miracle. As I have looked at scripture and really looked at the depravity of mankind, I am taken aback. From the beginning of time God had a plan for the orphan. The Spiritual orphan. He made a way, at all cost, to offer us a chance, a hope, a way out of our natural destiny. In that, He also clearly made and continues to makes a way for the physical, literal orphan. As I look at my biological children, I stand in awe of a God who can do that: take two people and make one person from the joining of the two. But, there is something altogether different about adoption. It is a miracle set apart. It is one thing to be loved unconditionally, entering your family as a welcomed addition. It is an entirely different process to be fought for, pursued, and loved without obligation, but out of sheer love, like Christ has done for us. Amazing. Life-changing. Miraculous.

We initially went into this process preparing to adopt a sibling group. We knew of a family who was unsure about whether their circumstances would allow them to keep their 3 year old twins. We wanted to be ready. Grateful and humbled that God has made a way to keep that family together, we were able to step back, look at our family, the ages of our children, and listen. Listen to what the Holy Spirit was speaking, where scripture was leading, and then to just obey. Mark and I spent several days focusing our prayers regarding the adoption on this one thing: sibling group or one? We were open to the Holy Spirit's leading. As I sat last week reading adoption books... I really wanted to be intentional about hearing what God had to say. As I sat, I repeatedly heard in my spirit, "One at a time." That night as I shared with Mark, he, too, had felt he was being led in the same direction. And, so, it was done. We will likely adopt two, but "one at a time." The reasons are many, but the only reason that matters is that HE said so.

With that (and the fact that we have a daughter who would KILL us if we brought another boy home before bringing her home sister), we are super excited to share: IT'S A GIRL!!!!

"This is what I really want"

This journey, young as it is, has already been so humbling, so emotional, so... did I mention humbling? Over the past couple of years our children have known the ups & downs, certainty & uncertainty, beauty & ashes, that all come with any adoption story. My niece and nephew, Tia and Garrett, have only been with their forever family for nearing 12 weeks. Brycen and Regan prayed and prayed, even cried and cried with us along the journey to make them part of our extended family. Just last weekend as we visited Charlotte, NC to enjoy a few days with Mendy, David, and their 6 kids (Tia and Garrett are the newest additions) I sat and listened to all the cousins playing. Bliss. It brought back all the car ride talks, bedtime chats, and prayers at all hours of the night in the pursuit to bring Tia and Garrett home. Bliss. Oh wait, I think I already said that. Anyway. My heart was drawn to thankfulness, my lips couldn't be quiet as I prayed aloud, "Thank you, God, for this gift of adoption. And, thank you that you are faithful, always making a way for the orphan." Though Mark and I never left our children out of the talks about Tia and Garrett and what was going on paperwork wise, neither did we necessarily think they really understood all that was going on. How wrong we (at least, I) was.

Humbling.... Yes, this process has been so humbling. About 6 weeks ago it was a busy Wednesday night and I was trying to get all the kids loaded into the car for church. I had all the boys in and buckled in car seats. I started the car and waited. Regan. What in the world could possibly be taking her so long? Waited. Then, under my breath wondering where she could be I got out of the car, went inside loudly asking (to put it mildly), "Regan! Where are..." Then, she came around the corner in the kitchen holding something behind her. I could tell she had no idea she was "late."

"Sweety, what are you doing? The boys and I are waiting on you in the car."

"Well, Mom. I was wondering if you and Dad could save this to help bring a brother or sister home." Then, she handed me a quarter. Instant tears. Earlier that day I had struggled with how all this was financially going to come to fruition. In that moment God whispered in my spirit, "I have this, Carrie. Rest." So, our adoption fund officially started that night.

It opened up the perfect opportunity to talk to Brycen and Regan about needing to specifically pray for 2 things: that God would lead us the sweet girl who He wants in our family and that He would provide the money for her to come home.

Mark and I found the perfect glass container to put on the counter for "adoption money." We were overwhelmed to hear that lone, Regan-found quarter hit the bottom of that glass jar. Any of us can add loose change or bills when we want.... it's just a constant reminder to all of us that: (1) There is a sweet girl (I will get to that decision on another post) waiting for us in Ethiopia and we love her profusely without even knowing her name (2) God has to provide to make any of this possible (3) This is going to take sacrifice, not just the financial kind.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks later, I realized how much Brycen, too, "got it." Brycen received a late birthday card with a $20 in it. That night after we got home I overheard Mark say, "Hey buddy, you don't have to put that money in the adoption jar. That money is for you for your birthday. You can spend it and get something you really want for your birthday."

"Dad," Brycen replied back, opening the lid to the glass container, "this is what I really want."

He locked the lid after his crisp $20 hit the bottom, watching it fall the whole way.

Humbling.

"Yes, Ma'am"

Here we go! After talking about adoption for our entire married life (all ten years) and even before we married.... Here we go. Right from the start, we wanted to start this blog in order to share our journey with you. There are so many places I could start. I thought about our first post being about our family's journey through seeking to live with an open hand to others, but we are still learning so much, not nearly having that mastered. Or, I thought about posting about where God has us on another journey: to fight against our flesh in feeling a need to live out the American dream vs. being sold-out Christ followers. Again, we are still so fresh, so "green", so "not there yet." Then, I thought the perfect place would be to start with my journey to Ethiopia this summer, how God opened my eyes to so much, grew passions in me I never knew existed, and how that experience changed my life in a million great ways. But, as it stands, we are here.... praying, reading, listening. Longing to simply be ink poured out for Christ to write our stories how He sees we best fit into His BIG STORY. Are we excited? YES! Do we have fear? YES! Have we lost our minds? YES, I hope so. We decided a year or so ago to lose our minds... to change our idea of success, to stop our selfish ways of thinking, and to try desperately to lose it all to gain His mind. Those decisions are daily and hard. They are a constant struggle and more times than not we revert back to using "our minds." But, in faith, we are trusting, knowing this journey of adoption is part of the story God is writing.

So, I will start here. At the beginning. At the place where the lady on the other end of the phone said, "So, you need 2 copies of these birth certificates and marriage certificate authenticated at the state level for international adoption from Ethiopia?"

To which I simply replied, "Yes, Ma'am."

Here we go.

Thanks for journeying with us.