Thursday, August 13, 2015

Who, What, Where, and WHEN?

One week from tomorrow marks four months since we first saw our sweet boy's face. It's hard to believe.  The question we get the most often is, "When will he be home?" No one wants an answer to that question more than us!  But, I thought I would do a post on what IS happening right now, since it can seem like nothing is happening.  This whole process is one easily defined by the infamous, "Hurry up and wait" description.  We hurried to get our initial paperwork completed 4 1/2 years ago. Then we WAITED.  Completed another dossier.  Waited some more.  The third dossier was a tad bit easier to complete because during the process of gathering all the documents for it, we saw his face for the first time.  Then, after a few initial referral acceptance papers, we have waited the majority of the last four months waiting on necessary paperwork from Ethiopia that is required by US immigration.  Last year USCIS (US immigration) began requiring new paperwork at this stage in the process.  This new paperwork and approval is known in the adoption/immigration world as the PAIR process (pre-adoption immigration review).  To over simplify it for the purpose of this post, suffice it to say this is another layer of red-tape required by the government in an effort to keep adoptions ethical.  For the most part required paperwork is the same for each case, but because no two cases are exactly the same, paperwork can vary from case-to-case making this part of the process a bit frustrating.  But, as part of this paper process we received some Ethiopian documents that helped piece together some timelines in Tyson's story that weren't yet known to us.  We even know the exact day his mom walked him into the orphanage, knowing it would the last day she would see him.  My heart literally skipped a beat as I was watching the pages come off the printer and I saw a black and white photo of her.  Now, I know her name. I know her story.  I know her face.  I am forever changed by her courage.  By her sacrifice to choose to give him life, her greatest grief becomes one of our greatest joys.  But, it is impossible to ever completely separate the grief and the joy.  Adoption is hard.

So, we collected the majority of the necessary forms/papers for PAIR processing.  The only big thing we are missing is Regional Court approval.  This approval is part of the Ethiopian government's requirements.  While two governments have simultaneous proceedings and processes happening to finalize this adoption, they DO in some places overlap.  One place they overlap is here... where in order for us to receive PAIR approval (from US government) we must have Regional approval (from Ethiopian government).  Whew!  So, our team at Bethany decided that we would go ahead and use the documents we have and submit for PAIR approval, knowing we are missing one key thing: Regional Court approval from Ethiopia.  However, it is still possible for the NBC (National Benefits Center) to look at all our other paperwork and then issue us what is called an RFE (Request For Further Evidence).  We are expecting this.  Once we receive this RFE (because of the missing Regional Court approval) we should be nearing the completion of Regional approval.  Once we receive the approval, we can send it to the NBC to fulfill the request for more evidence.  THEN, we should have PAIR approval.  Regional approval can take up to 12 weeks, but we hoping it will be MUCH sooner.  We have been submitted to Regional Court for 3 weeks already.  Part of getting Regional approval from the Ethiopian Court requires involvement from Tyson's original orphanage, his current orphanage, and his birth family.  We would welcome your prayers for quick approval and for all these moving parts to somehow come together for PAIR approval. I would also like to ask, with a heart full of sorrow,  for prayers for his birth mom during this season.  It has to be a lot to remember.  A lot to lose.  again.  We are praying that her knowing he is getting a home, a family, unconditional love, will bring great healing and comfort to her.  However, a Mommy longs for her baby.  Thank you in advance for your prayers on her behalf.

Here is a look at our PAIR packet on the FedEx scale Tuesday:

                                                               


What you don't see in the picture is my heart pounding out of my chest.  I looked at that envelope and tears filled my eyes.  This is our last big packet of papers to mail in this process.  As you will continue to read, there is still so much that has to be done.  However, this was OUR last big piece to the puzzle.  I walked out of FedEx and opened the door to the van, slid inside (where the kids were waiting), and I cried.  A lot.  The overwhelming relief was something I wasn't prepared for.  Then it occurred to me: this has been nearly a full-time job for me for almost 5 years (since November 9, 2010).  That one envelope represents so much to me.  I see so much more than a FedEx scale and packaging.  It still makes me emotional to see. He is so close to being home.

Ok.  SO, after regional approval and then PAIR approval, the US Embassy will initiate one last investigation to confirm Tyson is an orphan.  Don't really get me started on this part of the process, just trust me that it is necessary and typically doesn't take very long (the case has been investigated numerous times prior to this).  After the US Embassy performs their investigation and declares Tyson to be an orphan by definition (which is different for every country, by the way), then the Embassy submits their findings to Ethiopian Federal Court.  At this point there are two important court dates that happen on the Federal level.  First, there is a birth family court date.  Sigh.  Pause.  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?  I am tearful just thinking about the courage and humility and selfLESSness that this requires from her.  However, in an effort to be assured she hasn't been paid to relinquish him, or coerced in any way, it is a necessary part.  After this first court date, we have to wait for a MOWA (Ministries of Women's Affairs) letter.  This important letter is one that gives approval for the the second court date to be set.  Why is that a big deal?  BECAUSE THAT'S OUR COURT DATE!!!!  This letter gives us the approval to TRAVEL.  The MOWA letter in some cases is issued the same day as the birth family court date.  Other times it takes a few weeks for the letter to come.  Once we get the approval letter from MOWA, our agency will file all our paperwork with Federal Court for OUR COURT DATE.  We will hopefully have about two weeks notice from the time we get a court date until we travel.

There are two ways families can go about travel because there are still two important things that have to happen before we can come back to the US with Tyson.  First, our Federal Court date, as mentioned above.  This court date wraps up the Ethiopian side of our adoption and makes Tyson legally our son (a MCKEEHAN!).  Many families make two travel trips, one for this important court date (both parents are required to be present) and then another for the US Embassy clearance.  Typically if two trips are made they are 4-8 weeks apart.  During those 4-8 weeks the child is getting a visa, passport, new birth certificate (for Tyson it will list him as a McKeehan!), and medical clearances. This option means parents have met their child on the first trip, spent time together everyday they are in country, and then they leave their child and fly back to America until they get an Embassy date.  That is one option.  The second option is making one trip.  For this option, most agencies prepare families that the stay in-country can be up to 4-5 weeks.  However, the advantage of not leaving the child makes this option appealing.  And, the option we have chosen to do.  We have good friends who are in the air as I type flying back to Knoxville from picking up their son in Ethiopia.  They were only in country TWO weeks and got everything finished up (Federal Court date, visa, passport, medicals, and Embassy appointment).  So, we aren't sure exactly how long OUR trip will take, but we suspect it shouldn't take the full 4 weeks (likely closer to 2).  After the US Embassy approval we are free to come home whenever we want!  Our friends who are flying home right now (Welcome home, Akbar!) just got US Embassy approval less than 12 hours ago!

This was a LONG, drawn-out post trying to catch you up on who, what, where, and WHEN all of this will be finished.  I hope it helped!  If you are more confused than you were, do not worry.  It is a complicated process and one I have been trying to "figure out" for years.  If you don't get it after one blog post, don't fret!  I just wanted you to have an understanding about what we are waiting on and to see how many moving parts and pieces there still are in the process.  Thank you for faithfully journeying with us.  Until he's home......

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Attachment, "Felt Safety," and what difference they make

With adoption comes all kinds of new lingo.  I sat with a new friend at Starbucks recently as we discussed our adoptions.  She (and her husband) are waiting to travel to Ethiopia SOON to bring home their son.  We both felt an instantaneous connection because we could just talk without having to explain what a I-600A, I-600, USCIS, PAIR letter, MOWYCA letter, attachment, "felt safety", and other lingo are.  We just knew.  It brought instant connection to us because someone else "got it" without having to defend or explain (and it was nice to be able to cry together talking about the grief our boys have experienced, will experience, and the pain of transition).  I've learned more about immigration and the government than I ever cared to know, but it's just part of it. Can't take the blessing without being willing to take the burden.  I could probably have a full conversation in government acronyms and form names and someone overhearing would likely accuse me of having some kind of foul mouth.  It's been a lot to digest, but we are digesting it and working through it (it takes a village).  If you talk with nearly any foster or adoptive parent on the planet words like "felt safety" and "attachment" are likely part of their lingo, too.  A brilliant and caring woman, Dr. Karyn Purvis, Ph.D., coined the words, in her books/literature about bringing at-risk children into  loving families and making them feel secure there.  One of her books, "The Connected Child," is one I am re-reading (because let's be real, I don't remember ONE WORD from when I read it three years ago.  Suffice it to say A LOT of water is under the bridge since then).  But, I am finding it as fascinating and practical this go around as I did on my first read through.  I will briefly explain some of these terms (and it will be brief as loads and loads of books have been written on these topics in an effort to explain them) and then figure out what in the world difference they make anyway.
First, is attachment.  Seems simple enough. Well, it ain't (excuse the TERRIBLE English.  Just seems appropriate. And in East Tennessee it is always acceptable).  Attachment is, essentially, the first BIG goal adoptive parents have for their children.  It impacts everything.... how you speak (tone, number of words you use, when you speak, etc), how you respond (anger, gentleness, guilt, love, etc), how you discipline (time IN versus time OUT, using few words-but making the words count, giving re-do's, etc), and how you spend your time (keeping child close, eye contact, imitating, being focused on home life, etc).  Again, as I type, it sounds so simple.  Fleshing out effective methods to make a child feel secure is HARD (from what I have read and heard from numerous adoptive families).  Perhaps the key reason attachment is so hard is found in one word: TRUST.  In a nutshell, attachment is the bond a child has with his parent.  It gets complicated with adopted kids because they don't grow up knowing and trusting their parents.  When the only person in the world you've been able to trust is yourself, relinquishing that trust to someone else can feel impossible.  There is an expectation that when children come into a secure, loving family there WILL be full-blown temper tantrums (of course there are exceptions, but this is expected).  Not the tantrums that involve heated words and harsh looks or tears.  We are talking full-blown kicking feet, banging arms and head on the floor tantrums (even when children are "older" such as 7, 8, 9, 10, or older).  There just comes a time when too much has been taken and the only things that are familiar are the survival mechanisms that allowed these children to make it this long.  Something snaps, or reminds, or causes overwhelming fear and BAM, just like that, a tantrum.  These at-risk, vulnerable kiddos have relied on no one else, or lying, or manipulating, or withdrawing, or people -pleasing to survive.  Once children learn that parents and homes are trustworthy, theses tantrums happen less and less frequently (from what I read).  Many parents report vividly remembering the first day, the first week they went without their child having a meltdown. But, let's be real, no trust on planet earth comes overnight. One of the methods I continue to read about to help build trust is consistency. Even if you have been over it 1.35784930 million times before, these children need to know you won't walk away if they make that choice one more time.  The warm-blood flowing through my veins can get a tad bit antsy thinking through the crazy amount of PATIENCE this is gonna take. Because, let's just say it: This sweet boy is going to come to us and he isn't going to know how to behave like a McKeehan.  There. I said it.  It's a process.  Hang with me.  This is all going to make sense. Attachment.... its foundation is trust and it's built only through consistent, gracious, patient, intentional love and discipline. 
Then, there is this concept of "felt safety." This strategy (according to Dr. Purvis in "The Connected Child") helps eliminate tantrums while building trust.  The key is to create an environment where the child feels safe.  Eventually, this will allow him to experience the safety firsthand.  Again, over time, he will begin to trust the environment in which he has been placed and then, he will trust the people in that environment once he realizes he doesn't have to rely solely on himself.  Shew.  It makes sense on the one hand, but on the other hand, it just isn't something we give a second thought to when we give birth to biological children.  Those are the days we were learning about breastfeeding, registering for a baby registry, picking out names, and trying to figure out how to rest when the baby rests while also keeping up with laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping.  There's always something, isn't there? I digress.  Back to attachment and "felt safety."  What in the world does this have to do with anyone besides families trying to integrate new children into their family?  I am so glad you asked.  I literally can't wait to tell you.  It's what I have been spinning my wheels on for days.  I can't seem to type fast enough.  
I have written various posts about adoption being judicial, loving, costly, just like our adoption in Christ.  As Gentiles, we are the foreigner, taken in by a Father who didn't have to accept us.  We were the ones with a different language, different culture, different festivals, different appearance.  We, as Gentiles, aren't anything like Jews (God's chosen people).  Yet, Galatians 3:28, is one of my favorite verses because it reminds us that we are no longer Jew or Gentile.  For those who have trusted the work of Jesus Christ on the cross to cover our sin, we are all children of God.  It reads, "There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female.  For you are all Christians-you are one Christ Jesus."  Paul was writing to the Galatians who were beginning to give up their freedom in Christ to serve the law again. It was foolish!  Paul was urging them to remember what they had been delivered from, reminding them they were now children of God.  What difference would it make?  It wouldn't make A difference, it would be THE difference.  Everything hinged on their "getting" who they were.  {insert heavy sigh}.   Some things truly never change.  The more I have correlated the relationship between physical adoption and spiritual adoption the more BLOWN AWAY I am at Jesus.  Seriously. During the LONG season of waiting, I was always keenly aware of His patience waiting on us as we live with no knowledge or care of Him, going about our lives using our own survival mechanisms.  The book about attachment even lists things that adopted children usually bring to the family (each one can have a varying number of these, most do not have them all): depression, anger, anxiety, insecurity, fear, abandonment/loss/grief issues, attachment dysfunctions (TRUST ISSUES), just to name a few.  Somebody follow me.  Please.  When we first come into a relationship with Jesus, He knows we are vulnerable, at-risk children.  We come with all manner of methods and strategies to survive.  With all our man-made concepts, we also bring a whole big bunch of BAGGAGE.  We come with fear, insecurity, depression, anger, anxiety, TRUST ISSUES.  Is anyone else willing to give a big ol' "Amen" shout?  Guess what?  We don't come into a relationship with Jesus knowing how to act like a Child of His.  And, when Holy Spirit takes residence inside us, we can nearly immediately see there is going to be a rub between the survival skills of "the old man" versus the ones Holy Spirit is asking us to flesh out.  The old man relied heavily on what eyes can see, hands can hold, ears can hear, or minds can understand.  The new man, however, is asked to do the impossible: TRUST a new authority.  Cue temper tantrum.  Full-blown tantrum with arms banging, head crashing, feet kicking.  Maybe you are more reserved or polished than me, but when God asks me to do something contrary to what my old flesh had grown accustomed to, something in me wants to run. Fight or Flight, a common theme in books about adoption and vulnerable children.  Before we knew Jesus we had developed our own ways to survive.  We knew how to manipulate circumstances, steal someone else's joy, grow bitter with jealousy, withdraw when taking an emotional/relational risk.  The new man, filled with Holy Spirit must exchange every old way of doing things with new ways to do things.  Not easy.  It sounds so simple.  It ain't (not even going to justify that one).  The more I have read about attachment and "felt safety" the more my mind has been drawn to Jesus.  Every suggestion given to adoptive parents regarding our response to our child's grief, misbehavior, tantrums, fears, etc are the responses Jesus gives to us.  He responds to us with gentleness and patience.  Don't we just need to know that one more time of making that SAME choice won't result in abandonment?  Trusting Him takes time.  He is so patient.  He isn't one bit antsy about how much patience is required to gain our trust.  We can be told repeatedly that He is trustworthy.  But, our trust only grows when He is PROVEN to be trustworthy experientially.  FELT SAFETY.  Over time, little by little, we begin to see His steadfastness.  His lack of being ONE IOTA intimidated by our CRAZY amount of dysfunction and baggage.  Rather, we find consistent love.  Communion that is reciprocated, a sort of imitating.  We actually begin to act like Him.  Maybe even resemble Him from time to time.  When we need discipline He doesn't put us in time out, but rather, He draws us IN, closer to Him (Thank you, Holy Spirit for conviction-it's the source of the drawing in rather than the pushing away).  In these conversations it's as if we can actually sense His bending His head down to us in order for us to make eye contact.  Then, eventually, our tantrums get less frequent and less volatile.  We begin to care less about what our circumstances say and more about His provision for us regardless of our circumstances.  We rely less and less on our old ways of surviving, ways we had grown quite used to, I might add.  Ways that seemingly served us effectively on our path.  Yet, ways that would ultimately lead to our destruction (Proverbs 14:12).  
Just when this new jargon gets overwhelming and I fight feelings of inadequacy, I read something that reminds me that I HAVE SEEN THIS THING BEFORE.  Hello.  I have seen how attachment works, especially when it comes to insecurity and trust issues.  I have seen little by little how a rock hard exterior can crack, then chip, then fall off in a quadrillion pieces.  I have seen consistent, patient, determined, intentional love sit and watch a tantrum with merciful, graceful eyes.  I have felt tender hands of affection dust off the remnants of sod and gravel from a fall while tenderly giving me a do-over, rather than using a million harsh words to correct me.  I have known the drawing in during seasons of discipline, rather than the pushing away (withdrawing is a self-made survival mechanism).   He knows how foolish it is to begin to implement the old ways when I have been delivered and freed to use His ways, as His child.  I have known the relief of a day that leads to a week that leads to a month of not having a temper tantrum because I finally believe I am in a family with a Father that is fully trustworthy.  I bet, if you know Jesus, you have seen this thing before, too. 
So, in the days to come, if you see me with puffy, red eyes from crying and/or lack of sleep.  Or when  our son doesn't "act like a McKeehan," or when he decides that today he doesn't have ONE MORE OUNCE TO RELINQUISH, will you join me in remembering our own seasons of that rub between the old man and new man?  It's a process.  And, I for one, am SO ridiculously astounded that Jesus chose to do this for me.  Many of the books I read are by secular authors on the topic of adoption discipline and attachment.  I am forever amazed at how each one mimics the gospel.  Physical adoption really is the most tangible picture of spiritual adoption to the watching world.  Without this process (good, bad, and jargon), there is so much I would've missed about who I am in Him.  How He loves, pursues, disciplines, and takes us in.  Take note today about your own bond with your Father.  If you are well attached, it hasn't come without pain, tears, and turmoil.  If you are still struggling with trust issues, relying on your own survival skills, be patient with yourself.  It's a process.  But, choose to trust him with the small. Then, you will more easily trust Him with the big.  But, don't take my word for it.  You have to experience it to develop "felt safety." Eventually, you will look back and not even recognize yourself.  You'll likely resemble your Father.  And, He is beautiful.  

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Never Once.

A face. A Name.
Both are things we have dreamt of for so long, we were beginning to think we were wishing for a fairy tale that would never come true.  But, one phone call on a seemingly "normal" day changed our lives forever.  I was volunteering in the school cafeteria, just like I always do on Monday's from 11:30a-1:00p. Mark was an hour-and-a-half away at a staff retreat that had only begun that morning.  As I was wrapping up my cafeteria duties with my sweet friend Teresa, who also volunteers on Mondays, Olivia (a dear friend to our family who also happens to be Mark's assistant at church) came by and said, "Call Mark."  Knowing he was on staff retreat and knowing all he had prayed through regarding vision and future of the church, I had no intentions of interrupting  his time or focus there.  So, I said, "He wants me to call?  Is everything ok?" She simply (with a half grin) nodded yes.  I washed my hands, went to grab phone, and assumed he must be needing my opinion or input regarding something that may have come up on the retreat.  No answer.  I put my phone in my back pocket and kept working.  By this time it was 12:50 and I was nearly finished with all my responsibilities.  My phone rang and it was him.  When I answered I knew my first inclination about his needing my input was off.  He said, " I love you more than anything.  I never wanted to do this over the phone.  And I am probably going to mess this whole thing up. We are getting a referral today." I could hear him smiling while he was talking.  I hit my knees with immediate (loud) sobs repeating, "Today? Are you serious?  We get to see a face today?" I asked at some point if he knew the age or gender and he said, " I know the gender. Do you want me to tell you now?" UM, YES.  "It's a boy and I promise that is all I know." Sweet Teresa had no idea what was happening because my words weren't coherent, but my sobs most assuredly convinced her something horrible had just happened to someone in my family.  But, there on the cafeteria floor I was able to know for sure what I had only been able to sing in faith, "Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did He leave us on our own."

Never Once.

Turns out, two or three years ago Mark called our local agency director, Terri, and asked her to call him first when it came time for us to receive our referral so he could surprise me with flowers or something special to give me the news.  In his focus on the retreat, my working in the cafeteria, and us being nearly two hours apart, that part of the plan fell through the cracks and neither of us cared one bit.  Mark told me over the phone he was en route to me at the church, I was to stay there.  Then, he said Terri and Lauren (our local branch case worker for the majority of our process) were coming to meet us there at 2:00pm.  I couldn't get my heart to slow, the tears to cease, or my hands to stop shaking.  Just two weeks earlier I had emailed our case worker in Grand Rapids (main Bethany office) to ask about movement regarding particular cases we had discussed weeks before.  Based on the response, we really believed the earliest there would even be a chance to receive a referral would be a couple of more weeks.  So, this was totally not expected.  Not to mention, I had always believed Bethany was going to call me first with the news.  So, I had never played out in my mind hearing it from Mark, especially not over the phone.  In the cafeteria.  Wearing an apron.  
But, when hope seems lost or far away, we are guaranteed one thing: we are never alone.

Never Once.

The hour went by slowly, but gave me time to call my mom (who couldn't understand me because of my sobs), call my sister (who asked a million questions that I wished at the time I had known the answer to.... like, "How old is he?"), and try to regain my composure.  I didn't regain my composure before walking down the "grand hallway" at church with loud sobs and having to stop, put my head down on one the window sills, and sob a loud, ugly, relieved cry repeating, "Thank you, Jesus.  You are Faithful."  And, it was UGLY.  I walked into the church office and there stood Olivia.  She had left me 30 minutes earlier with a simple, "call Mark."  She was not completely sure we had received our referral, but she suspected so because Terri had called the church office trying to reach Mark.  She took one look at me and knew.  We hugged a long, tearful hug and then I told her the little bit I knew: meeting Terri and Lauren at 2:00 and it's a boy.  I had so many questions and yet, I already had so many answers.  I knew the wait had already been worth it.  I knew God had ordained the events of the day before He laid the foundations of the earth.  I knew He was the Faithful One along the way, despite my waves of doubt, fear, frustration, and anger.  I knew He had given us promise after promise and He hadn't wavered on a single one.

Never Once.

I was waiting for Mark in the church parking lot when he pulled up.  He barely turned the car off when his door opened and he ran to me.  We hugged and cried right there in the parking lot.  And it was a sweet hug full of relief and praise.  It was our first hug and cry, knowing we had a new son.  I was still not forming complete, intelligible sentences, but with him, I didn't need to.  He knew.  Time was crawling and when Terri and Lauren (and our sweet friend from church, Hannah, who happens to be working at Bethany now!) pulled up I was pacing the floor.  THIS WAS REALLY HAPPENING.  I prayed no one would pinch me because if it was a dream I did NOT want to wake up.  As they entered the church office carrying flowers, words weren't necessary.  There were lots of long, teary hugs for us all.  They have faithfully waited with us, listened to us vent (numerous times), walked with us through seasons of doubt (just a month earlier we were praying about changing countries), and now, they were there to celebrate this special day.  These ladies have stood with us through the fire.  I can't adequately tell you how much they have done, given, listened, fought with/for us.  Today was the day we had all waited for.  Turns out, we wouldn't get photos and details of our sweet boy until the next day.  We knew we had waited four years and that he was around that age.  But, we were ok with that.... we knew it was coming and we knew we were ready.  As Mark and I glanced at one another standing in the church office, one of us (I can't remember which one) said, "Are you ready to tell the kids?" So, we asked the school office to have Brycen and Regan come to the church office.  I am tearful simply recounting it.  As Brycen walked in a few seconds ahead of Regan, Mark looked at him and said, "You have a four year old brother in Africa."  I could see the instant tears fill his eyes, but he tried to bat them away.  I reassured him, "You can cry, buddy, you have waited so well," as I brought him and hugged him tight.  Tears fell.  About that time Regan entered and I knew she already knew.  Mark dropped down to his knees, arms open and said, "You have a four year old brother in Africa" as she fell onto his shoulder already crying.  They have waited, longed, prayed and held fast with us.  They never wavered in believing today would come.

Never Once.

It was such a sweet time and it was extra sweet having so many loving friends around to share in it and to video and snap pictures.  By this time my mom had arrived and, again, we shared long, tear-filled hugs.  Then, Mark, Brycen, Regan, Mom, and me went to Hudson's classroom. It was nap time but he was awake.  I asked his teacher if we could have him and I whispered, "We got matched for our adoption today."  She, through her immediate tears, helped me get him up and gather his things.  He seemed to understand, but we had never prepared him for being a big brother, because we were open to a 0-7 year old.  So, we were never sure he would be a big brother.  When we told him, a huge smile came across his face and he said, "Tyson?"  (the name we will call him). I cried again and said, "Yes. Tyson."  We walked down the hall to Corbin's class.  I poked my head in to find him in reading group and asked if I could have him.  I mouthed to his teacher, "We got our referral."  Again, she had immediate tears.  These teachers and faculty have walked and waited so well with us.  Regan wanted to tell Corbin.  So, there we stood surrounding him and she said, "Guess what, Buddy? We got our referral today and we have a 4 year old brother in Africa."  It took him a second to understand and to make sense of it and finally he said, "Tyson?"  YES!!!  I asked if he wanted to go tell his teacher and he said, "Um, Mom, she is in reading group."  I almost laughed out loud and assured him it would be ok to tell her anyway.  When we entered the room she was already crying and she let him tell his class.  Then, we made our way to Brycen's class where he stood and proudly cried telling his sixth grade classmates/teacher that we had been matched.  It was tender to see his vulnerability in front of them about it.  We praised him for it later.  Then, we caught up with Regan's class while they were in PE.  Her teacher went with us to tell them.  Regan's girlfriends circled around her and cried, hugging and holding her.  I just can't adequately express how well this community at Freedom Christian Academy has waited with us.  They have never made us feel alone or forgotten along the way.

Never once.

As the day went on, we kept coming back to THE BEARD.  It was SHAVE DAY.  When Mark first declared he wouldn't shave until we had a referral NO ONE ON PLANET EARTH thought it would be four LONG years later until we would see those dimples!  As it turned out, our thoughtful friend, Donald Page, texted and asked if we would want him to photograph (he is, after all, a professional photographer) the shave.  It was something we had never talked about, but we are SO thankful he thought of it.  Those pictures of all six of us piled into the bathroom are priceless to us already.  Sweet Hudson was one when Mark started growing his beard.  Needless to say, Hudson didn't remember a clean-shaved, dimple-having Daddy.  The pictures of him rubbing Mark's face are my favorite.  Such a tangible reminder of the Faithful One.  The One who watched over us while never taking His eyes off our son living on the other side of the globe.

Never once.

That night gave way to planning and dreaming and crying.  I didn't sleep NOT ONE WINK.  We had a scheduled conference call for 8am on Tuesday morning to see his face, know his name, hear his story.  It couldn't come fast enough.  However, in the night as I prayed and cried and prayed and cried, I couldn't help but think about and pray for all those who are still longing and waiting.  There simply isn't anything on planet earth like the heartbreak that comes from a longing heart.  Nothing compares to it.  My heart has been so tender toward those still in a season of waiting.  I recounted the millions of times I sang Matt Redman's "Never Once" to the top of my lungs in faith.  I also recounted the millions of times I could only mouth the words while tears streamed down my face because my heart so desperately wanted to believe the words.  Laying in bed that night with an age and a gender, I knew all those other sleepless nights of crying and longing hadn't been in vain.  He had heard them all.  He had been there.  He had never left.

NEVER ONCE.

As darkness gave way to morning, I was up and moving.  Adrenaline was high for everyone. The kids went to school late so they could stay home to see his picture.  We had always planned (since we started this process) to have our friend, Tony Pettis (who also happens to be a photographer), photograph our seeing his face for the first time.  So, knowing we would have our conference call at 8am, Tony graciously arrived at 7:30am and set up a video camera as well as doing still shots.  I don't know how to adequately say "thank you" for such a priceless gift, but we are SO thankful.  As 8:00am rolled around we were logged in and speaker phone on for our conference call. This is us, logged in, waiting for our conference call to begin.



 Around 8:05am we heard the voice of Jennifer, our beloved agency worker in Grand Rapids.  Sweet Jennifer has been through everything with us... always being patient with our questions, our frustrations, our seasons of doubt and fear.  It was so sweet to hear her voice on the other side, knowing this day was one she, too, had longed for.  I don't remember her exact words (I was a bit UNDONE OVER THE WHOLE SITUATION).  I had Kleenex in my lap and it didn't take long for them to come in handy.  She began by telling us about our son's story, about his family, about the circumstances that led to his becoming orphaned.  I cried.  Here we are listening to Jennifer tell us about our son and we are hearing his name and story for the very first time.




Here's the thing about adoption:  It is GRIEF and LOSS mixed together with HOPE and JOY.  Often, it becomes difficult to tell where one stops and the other begins.  After hearing about him, Jennifer stated that they would upload his information and pictures to our Bethany portal page.  Our computer's refresh button hit an all-time high that morning.  But, finally, we saw files loaded and it felt like none of them were loading fast enough.  I am crying as I type just thinking about what it was like to see his face for the first time.




 Sheer joy.  Sheer emotion.  Never once did I doubt that moment would be worth the battles we have fought over the last four years.

Never once.



And I was right.  Nearly immediately Mark looked at me and said, "he was worth it."  And, he IS so worth it.  I can't give a lot of details about him since he isn't legally our son (YET).  Suffice it to say, we are ALL smitten to our cores by this little guy.  We kept looking at his pictures and just the night before I had said, "I will be happy with whatever information they will send, but I would love to hear his voice."  As we continued scrolling through and opening files, we saw one of him singing.  Isn't the Lord kind?  I watched, grinning from ear to ear.... almost in disbelief.  A face. A birthday. A name.  A height. A weight.  Favorite foods.  Favorite toys.  His daily schedule.  All in a moment, it felt so surreal and yet SO REAL all at the same time. The kids came barreling up the steps when we called to see him.  They were SO excited!





 So many details about his story and the timing of significant things in his life correlate perfectly and beautifully to specific seasons of prayer and struggle for us.  Struggle.  That's the thing.... reading all of his information, his tendencies, his story....I kept finding my finger running across the name of his birth mom.  Right there, in black and white in front of me.  Her name.  No one this side of heaven knows the hours I have prayed for her and thought about her.  Even, often times, wondering if she was still alive.  Our greatest joy is her greatest heartache and grief.  I long to tell her that I will love him like I love all four of our biological children.  To let her know he will have every opportunity they will have.  To assure her he is loved without condition or boundary.  To look her in the eye and tell her how courageous and brave and strong she is.  To hug her with every ounce of gratitude that is in me.  God's plan for her is good. It is to prosper her and He has never forsaken her.  Mother's Day was full of sweet joy this year on the one hand.  Knowing his name and staring at every detail of his face (and listening to him sing!) made this Mother's Day so different than the past few.  Knowing her name also made it different.  I am just mindful of her sacrifice and the depth of love she must have for him.  I never (EVER) want to take that for granted.

Never once.

So, here we are.  We have come so far, but we have a long way to go still.  It is highly likely we won't  be able to travel to go get him for 10-12 months (from referral day).  There is a lot of paper work still to do and two governments working hard to cross every "t" and dot every "i."  We would so appreciate your prayers for (1) speedy paperwork.  We are waiting for documents from Ethiopia that are required for us to complete our next level of immigration paperwork.  Court will close in Ethiopia from August to October for rainy season.  Therefore, we cannot get a court date during those months. We are really wanting to do our part to complete paperwork in an expedited manner in order to let God do what only He can do.  (2)Please pray our son continues to grow and learn. He seems to be a healthy little guy.  He has overcome so much.  Pray for his days to be full of hope and laughter.  We pray for peace and safety to overwhelm him and for him to supernaturally be knit together to us when we meet him.  (3)Pray for his birth mom.  Human words won't do here... I can't even type up what to specifically pray for except for her to have peace and comfort.  Jesus knows what she needs.  (4) Pray for our family as we continue to prepare.  We are working hard at home to get things ready for another boy (a new Superheroes bedroom has already made its way here).  Pray for each of us to have realistic expectations for when he is home and a continued excitement about his coming!  Also, we have prayed all along that Corbin (6 years) and Hudson (5 years) will supernaturally understand what is happening.  They seem to both totally "get it." Pray this continues.  (5) We have paid all of our agency/country fees (YAY!) and we are currently saving for travel.  We have decided that rather than making two trips about 7-8 weeks apart, each lasting 7-14 days, to make one long trip (3-4 weeks).  This will allow us to get custody of him after our court hearing (just a couple days after we arrive) and we won't have to leave him.  This would also allow us to take Brycen and Regan with us for the same cost of us making two trips,  if the Lord provides for that.  We believe those days/weeks in his country will be priceless, treasured days of bonding.  I don't want to take one of them for granted.
In closing, I can't adequately express how grateful we are for you, our community, who has walked tirelessly with us.  You have longed with us, cried with us, and prayed with us.  We still need you to pray with us to GET HIM HOME.  But, one of the sweetest (if not THE sweetest) parts about this entire process has been the support and love we have received from you.  There have been days it has completely overwhelmed us (in a good way!).  Of all the days I felt alone, I knew in the deepest parts of who I am,  we hadn't been alone one day.

Never once.

And, to someone reading who is still in a season of darkness and waiting. Or longing or grief..... speak over your situation, in faith, what you believe you will one day be able to speak over it in sight.  For me, it was that beautiful worship song, "Never Once."  I often sang the words dreaming about what it would be like to sing them on this side.  And, the lyrics are woven into my heartstrings.  He is the Faithful One.  He is the One fighting battles on our behalf.  He is the One to praise.  He never leaves us.

Never Once.