I just reread my last post about being willing to yield. I am so tickled at the Lord and His timing. He has literally had the theme of "willing to yield" pressing in so tightly on my heart and mind, there have been days I could hardly think past those three words. He is so kind in His ways, His words, His intentionality. He is SO unbelievably personal. This past Friday was a day like any other... school, visiting Santa at the local Bass Pro Shop, dinner with friends. Nothing crazy or out of the norm for this season. Until Mark said (as he was driving us to dinner), "hey, will you read this email. It just came to my phone?" And then he handed me his phone. I immediately noticed it was from a dear friend that we have grown to love and trust at Bethany (our adoption agency). She has always been quick to encourage us, pray for us, listen through our frustration and tears. Her email started out by saying she had woken early one morning last week feeling led to pray for our family, especially knowing how difficult the holidays will be for us. Again. She explained that she only wants for our family what God wants for our family, and not being around early on in our adoption journey, she certainly didn't want to push us or overstep any lines. She was writing to simply tell us what she felt the Lord was asking her to tell us. And then she wrote, "Would you consider a son.....?" In the end it was a sweet email saturated in prayer. She simply asked us to spend the weekend praying about a girl OR a boy. In this, it would obviously leave God the open door to still bring a daughter home, but it would also open up Him giving us a son.
It begged so many questions at first. Obviously, my first thoughts went to Regan. My second thoughts went to dreams, mental images, "L"'s on our walls, on stockings, and "Lakin" written on so many things in our home. Both of our minds began to race... Clearly, we had discussed adopting a son with a second adoption and along this process we had discussed it numerous times. But, we always came back to the fact that a girl is what we said and where our heads and hearts have been for 3 years. Then, the next questions were, "why? Why did we initially say a girl?" Three years is a long time. Hudson was 1 and Corbin was 2... Regan was 6, Brycen was 8. Our lives looked so different. So did THIS process from THIS country. When we first started it didn't matter what gender, the wait time was 3-6 months. Did I mention a lot has changed?! As the days, weeks, months, and years have passed, what we initially expected to happen died a long time ago. So, we prayed. Boy, have we prayed. We called a few people who know us and our hearts, who have tirelessly prayed for us, and explained the situation, asking them to spend the weekend in prayer for us. Each one was so faithful and eager to step in and serve us in this selfless way. We will forever be grateful. Our initial talk to the kids about this was with Brycen, as Regan was with my parents over the weekend. Oh, God's timing... it is SO perfect. Brycen asked a few questions like, "Does this mean we would still do another adoption?" "So, we will get a boy and a girl eventually, we just wouldn't know the order yet?' and many more. All appropriate, great questions. He was, needless to say, excited either way.
But, one thing remained: talking to Regan. Mark and I went out Saturday night on a date. Most of the night was focused on where we felt God was leading our family in regards to this adoption and how every scenario would impact life (as much as we could predict). We were honest about our fears, discussed how exciting this change could be, and had such a great time looking at how God has been stretching and teaching us. How He has been preparing my heart for weeks as I have been sitting in being willing to yield.
Regan came home Saturday night and I went in to have the talk with her while she was in the bathtub. I figured there is no better place to have a captive audience! I started out letting her know there was total freedom for total honesty. I wanted her to know that her trusting us was paramount and if what I had to say would make her not trust us, it wasn't even up for discussion. She listened intently, not missing a word. I finally told her about the email and said, "this in no way means we have to do this or that we are doing this. It simply means God used this lady to prompt us to seek Him again about a boy OR a girl." She tried not to cry at first, but the sobs started. I went over to her head and touched her face and said, "You don't have to say a word. If it means this much to you..." and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "Mom, that is not why I am crying. I am just so tired of waiting. It's HARD!" And then, I cried. Holding her hand while she explained, "So many people tell me they know it's been hard and it's been a long time. Mom, they have NO idea." It was such a sweet moment with her. To just cry together and explain that "Dad and I had no idea, Regan, that it would take so long and be so hard on us." She shook her head saying, "I know, Mom. It's hard for you, too." I talked to her about my real concerns regarding long-term resentment that might come if a boy came home first. She listened and thought. I asked her to pray about it and I said, "If you are not ok with this, it really is ok. We initially chose a girl because gender wasn't a factor in waiting and at the time it made sense to us, but at the end of the day, God called us to care for the orphan." Her response reached out and touched my core. Her wise words brought so much comfort to my fears, my reservations, my worrying about her. She said this, with tears streaming down her face, "I am kind of tired of just praying for and waiting for orphans. I am ready to actually start CARING for one, a girl or a boy." tears burned in my eyes as our eyes met and I didn't even wipe them away. I just looked at her and said, "You teach me so much." She went on, "Three years is a long time to wait when there are so many orphans, girls AND boys, who need families." I tried to regain my composure, reminding myself that I came there to talk with her, not the other way around. We discussed so many options and outcomes. Talked about God building our family how He wants in whatever order He wants. And, when we were finishing up I said, "I just need to know if you are 50% ok with this, 80% ok, or 100% ok because we can wait to decide." She touched my hand and said, "Mom, I am 110% ok with this. Let's do it!" I walked to my room and cried. And cried. He is always SO before us. Preparing the way when we couldn't even see that a way needed to be prepared, He goes before us.
As I have prayed over the last few days, asking God to show me how to be more willing to yield, He has been so faithful. I have felt like for all this time I have been holding out my hands with the pieces I was willing for God to use to build my life. This weekend He has kindly, gently, lovingly whispered, "Put your hands behind your back. Let me start from scratch and create your life My way with My pieces. It far exceeds your plans. Trust Me."
Today, as we opened our advent book, "Waiting Here for You," we had such a great discussion with Brycen and Regan about the topic for the day. It will likely find its way on our walls somewhere. I can't say enough how intentional He has been to lead us. Today's thought in the book was this: Who you become while you are waiting is as important as what you are waiting for.
Sigh. I am thankful for the reminder.
So, here goes. Hands behind my back, heart full, and hope high. We are excited to let you know that we called the agency today to tell them we are willing to adopt a boy OR a girl. The excitement around here is nearly tangible as we sit in a new place of faith. Stretched. Challenged. Thankful.
We are tickled pink OR blue.
