Well, I never intended there to ever be a time I would wait six weeks between posts. I also never expected this journey to be so hard. I thought I knew it would be hard and I think I even thought I was ready for it. Wrong. So, there isn't a ton to update regarding our sweet princess living in Ethiopia. Our only "new" news is simple: it's still gonna be a while. But, in the meantime, I continue to be humbled and blessed by God's faithfulness to grow us, teach us, stretch us, and wait with us. If you follow the blog much or if you have for long, you know the kids and I were working hard to memorize the book of James over the summer. The book of James is never far from any conversation I have whether it's with a friend, family member, the kids, or myself. It's been my favorite for years. Other important parts of my life are leading the Stay-at-home-mom's Bible study weekly in our home. Twenty-plus moms and their kiddos invade our house every Thursday morning from 9am-11am. The kids head downstairs where faithful. patient, sacrificial childcare workers await them so the moms can remain upstairs for Bible Study. We have always done Beth Moore studies from journeying David's life, to Esther, to Breaking Free.... we are starting our sixth semester together in just 2 weeks! Boy was I excited to learn that Beth Moore's newest study was on the book of James! It has been such a great study for my life in this waiting season. I am nearing the end of the study so I can be fully prepared and ready for those stay-at-home-mom's when they enter the house. But this morning, I had to reread my Bible Study page repeatedly. Tears streaming down my face I first read James 4: 4-6 (NLT):
You adulterers! Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy with God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the Spirit God has placed within us is filled with envy? But He gives us more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say, "God opposes the proud but favors the humble."
Back in the summer I had written a blog post called, "Do Not Waver." It was about my struggle in that season of the adoption journey to constantly force myself to not have a divided heart as James warns in James 1. It had become easy to lean on statistics, averages, and "possibilities" more than leaning on Him with an undivided heart. The passage this morning hit me the same, as did one a few days ago from James 4:2, "You want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can't get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it." I really sat and thought about that verse for what seemed like hours. Of all the days I think of our sweet girl and all the hours I dream about life with her. Of all the days my mind won't focus due to distraction on the other side of the world, of all the sleepless nights crying out on her behalf, of all the conversations about her.... I was forced by the two-edged sword to ask myself, "how much of that time is spent asking Him for her to come home?" Of course, I pray for her and I pray for a miracle in regards to the timetable. I pray for her safety, her emotional stability, her heart to know she is loved. But, in the bigger scheme of things do I spend MOST of the time in waiting in prayer to the ONE who knows her best? The One who is the Day Planner? The One who moves Mountains? It was humbling. And freeing.
But, greater Grace? This hit a part of me that was tender and vulnerable. As a pastor's wife and Bible study leader I work hard to be authentic in all situations, to all people. Fail miserably at times, but my intent is never to be someone other than who God made me to be. In that, it becomes easy to say with my words and even believe that His Grace covers every situation if I allow it. His Sovereignty reigns and He is the Ultimate in light of timetables. He knows. But, to live that out in my words, thoughts, and war waged in my mind has grown so tough. There are days this whole process feels like a story of wishful thinking. Almost as if it isn't ever REALLY going to happen. I stop myself from thinking about the day the call comes or the day I hold her for the first time or what gifts we will leave with her until we return to bring her home because it gets so hard. The wound is open and deep.
But, then steps in Greater Grace.
Not Greater Faith. Not Greater Hopes. Not Greater Plans. Not Greater Coincidences. Not Greater me. Not Greater Mark. Not Greater adoption agency.
Greater Grace.
That changes everything. Here is the excerpt that pushed me to my knees this morning. It's taken from Beth Moore's, "Mercy Triumph," page 140:
"He gives greater grace......Think of all that weighs on you: yesterday's regrets, today's demands, tomorrows plans. Let the pitcher become the cup, and don't just agree to be filled. Sink yourself in those five words until your fears of failure, inadequacy, unforgiveness, and insufficiency drown.
Don't come up for air until those fears lay lifeless and cold on the bottom of the sea. Let Jesus lighten your burden until you float to the top, youth renewed, heart restored. He is enough. Let me say that again: He is enough. When you need more, you will have more. When your woes are great, His grace is greater. When our sins are vast, His mercy is deep. We cannot exceed Him. We cannot outrun Him.
Those five words from James 4:6 are life to us. Without them, we would destroy ourselves and destroy one another. The crown of earthly thorns pierced the tender face of grace and by His wounds we were healed. But, why, believer, do we have so much grace yet live in so much lack?"
sigh.
I am choosing to recognize His grace is greater. His grace IS greater, whether I see it or not... so why live as if He isn't enough? Doesn't even make sense to MY small brain, much less anyone else's. This journey is hard. It is long. It is full of more questions than answers. It is out of our control. It is tearful. It is hard. But His grace is greater than all of that. Combined. I want to show a world desperate for hope, answers, freedom the God of the Universe who is healing, bondage-breaker, life-giver. Even in the tough stuff. In my flesh that is impossible, but living in greater grace nothing is impossible.
Nothing.
