With adoption comes all kinds of new lingo. I sat with a new friend at Starbucks recently as we discussed our adoptions. She (and her husband) are waiting to travel to Ethiopia SOON to bring home their son. We both felt an instantaneous connection because we could just talk without having to explain what a I-600A, I-600, USCIS, PAIR letter, MOWYCA letter, attachment, "felt safety", and other lingo are. We just knew. It brought instant connection to us because someone else "got it" without having to defend or explain (and it was nice to be able to cry together talking about the grief our boys have experienced, will experience, and the pain of transition). I've learned more about immigration and the government than I ever cared to know, but it's just part of it. Can't take the blessing without being willing to take the burden. I could probably have a full conversation in government acronyms and form names and someone overhearing would likely accuse me of having some kind of foul mouth. It's been a lot to digest, but we are digesting it and working through it (it takes a village). If you talk with nearly any foster or adoptive parent on the planet words like "felt safety" and "attachment" are likely part of their lingo, too. A brilliant and caring woman, Dr. Karyn Purvis, Ph.D., coined the words, in her books/literature about bringing at-risk children into loving families and making them feel secure there. One of her books, "The Connected Child," is one I am re-reading (because let's be real, I don't remember ONE WORD from when I read it three years ago. Suffice it to say A LOT of water is under the bridge since then). But, I am finding it as fascinating and practical this go around as I did on my first read through. I will briefly explain some of these terms (and it will be brief as loads and loads of books have been written on these topics in an effort to explain them) and then figure out what in the world difference they make anyway.
First, is attachment. Seems simple enough. Well, it ain't (excuse the TERRIBLE English. Just seems appropriate. And in East Tennessee it is always acceptable). Attachment is, essentially, the first BIG goal adoptive parents have for their children. It impacts everything.... how you speak (tone, number of words you use, when you speak, etc), how you respond (anger, gentleness, guilt, love, etc), how you discipline (time IN versus time OUT, using few words-but making the words count, giving re-do's, etc), and how you spend your time (keeping child close, eye contact, imitating, being focused on home life, etc). Again, as I type, it sounds so simple. Fleshing out effective methods to make a child feel secure is HARD (from what I have read and heard from numerous adoptive families). Perhaps the key reason attachment is so hard is found in one word: TRUST. In a nutshell, attachment is the bond a child has with his parent. It gets complicated with adopted kids because they don't grow up knowing and trusting their parents. When the only person in the world you've been able to trust is yourself, relinquishing that trust to someone else can feel impossible. There is an expectation that when children come into a secure, loving family there WILL be full-blown temper tantrums (of course there are exceptions, but this is expected). Not the tantrums that involve heated words and harsh looks or tears. We are talking full-blown kicking feet, banging arms and head on the floor tantrums (even when children are "older" such as 7, 8, 9, 10, or older). There just comes a time when too much has been taken and the only things that are familiar are the survival mechanisms that allowed these children to make it this long. Something snaps, or reminds, or causes overwhelming fear and BAM, just like that, a tantrum. These at-risk, vulnerable kiddos have relied on no one else, or lying, or manipulating, or withdrawing, or people -pleasing to survive. Once children learn that parents and homes are trustworthy, theses tantrums happen less and less frequently (from what I read). Many parents report vividly remembering the first day, the first week they went without their child having a meltdown. But, let's be real, no trust on planet earth comes overnight. One of the methods I continue to read about to help build trust is consistency. Even if you have been over it 1.35784930 million times before, these children need to know you won't walk away if they make that choice one more time. The warm-blood flowing through my veins can get a tad bit antsy thinking through the crazy amount of PATIENCE this is gonna take. Because, let's just say it: This sweet boy is going to come to us and he isn't going to know how to behave like a McKeehan. There. I said it. It's a process. Hang with me. This is all going to make sense. Attachment.... its foundation is trust and it's built only through consistent, gracious, patient, intentional love and discipline.
Then, there is this concept of "felt safety." This strategy (according to Dr. Purvis in "The Connected Child") helps eliminate tantrums while building trust. The key is to create an environment where the child feels safe. Eventually, this will allow him to experience the safety firsthand. Again, over time, he will begin to trust the environment in which he has been placed and then, he will trust the people in that environment once he realizes he doesn't have to rely solely on himself. Shew. It makes sense on the one hand, but on the other hand, it just isn't something we give a second thought to when we give birth to biological children. Those are the days we were learning about breastfeeding, registering for a baby registry, picking out names, and trying to figure out how to rest when the baby rests while also keeping up with laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping. There's always something, isn't there? I digress. Back to attachment and "felt safety." What in the world does this have to do with anyone besides families trying to integrate new children into their family? I am so glad you asked. I literally can't wait to tell you. It's what I have been spinning my wheels on for days. I can't seem to type fast enough.
I have written various posts about adoption being judicial, loving, costly, just like our adoption in Christ. As Gentiles, we are the foreigner, taken in by a Father who didn't have to accept us. We were the ones with a different language, different culture, different festivals, different appearance. We, as Gentiles, aren't anything like Jews (God's chosen people). Yet, Galatians 3:28, is one of my favorite verses because it reminds us that we are no longer Jew or Gentile. For those who have trusted the work of Jesus Christ on the cross to cover our sin, we are all children of God. It reads, "There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female. For you are all Christians-you are one Christ Jesus." Paul was writing to the Galatians who were beginning to give up their freedom in Christ to serve the law again. It was foolish! Paul was urging them to remember what they had been delivered from, reminding them they were now children of God. What difference would it make? It wouldn't make A difference, it would be THE difference. Everything hinged on their "getting" who they were. {insert heavy sigh}. Some things truly never change. The more I have correlated the relationship between physical adoption and spiritual adoption the more BLOWN AWAY I am at Jesus. Seriously. During the LONG season of waiting, I was always keenly aware of His patience waiting on us as we live with no knowledge or care of Him, going about our lives using our own survival mechanisms. The book about attachment even lists things that adopted children usually bring to the family (each one can have a varying number of these, most do not have them all): depression, anger, anxiety, insecurity, fear, abandonment/loss/grief issues, attachment dysfunctions (TRUST ISSUES), just to name a few. Somebody follow me. Please. When we first come into a relationship with Jesus, He knows we are vulnerable, at-risk children. We come with all manner of methods and strategies to survive. With all our man-made concepts, we also bring a whole big bunch of BAGGAGE. We come with fear, insecurity, depression, anger, anxiety, TRUST ISSUES. Is anyone else willing to give a big ol' "Amen" shout? Guess what? We don't come into a relationship with Jesus knowing how to act like a Child of His. And, when Holy Spirit takes residence inside us, we can nearly immediately see there is going to be a rub between the survival skills of "the old man" versus the ones Holy Spirit is asking us to flesh out. The old man relied heavily on what eyes can see, hands can hold, ears can hear, or minds can understand. The new man, however, is asked to do the impossible: TRUST a new authority. Cue temper tantrum. Full-blown tantrum with arms banging, head crashing, feet kicking. Maybe you are more reserved or polished than me, but when God asks me to do something contrary to what my old flesh had grown accustomed to, something in me wants to run. Fight or Flight, a common theme in books about adoption and vulnerable children. Before we knew Jesus we had developed our own ways to survive. We knew how to manipulate circumstances, steal someone else's joy, grow bitter with jealousy, withdraw when taking an emotional/relational risk. The new man, filled with Holy Spirit must exchange every old way of doing things with new ways to do things. Not easy. It sounds so simple. It ain't (not even going to justify that one). The more I have read about attachment and "felt safety" the more my mind has been drawn to Jesus. Every suggestion given to adoptive parents regarding our response to our child's grief, misbehavior, tantrums, fears, etc are the responses Jesus gives to us. He responds to us with gentleness and patience. Don't we just need to know that one more time of making that SAME choice won't result in abandonment? Trusting Him takes time. He is so patient. He isn't one bit antsy about how much patience is required to gain our trust. We can be told repeatedly that He is trustworthy. But, our trust only grows when He is PROVEN to be trustworthy experientially. FELT SAFETY. Over time, little by little, we begin to see His steadfastness. His lack of being ONE IOTA intimidated by our CRAZY amount of dysfunction and baggage. Rather, we find consistent love. Communion that is reciprocated, a sort of imitating. We actually begin to act like Him. Maybe even resemble Him from time to time. When we need discipline He doesn't put us in time out, but rather, He draws us IN, closer to Him (Thank you, Holy Spirit for conviction-it's the source of the drawing in rather than the pushing away). In these conversations it's as if we can actually sense His bending His head down to us in order for us to make eye contact. Then, eventually, our tantrums get less frequent and less volatile. We begin to care less about what our circumstances say and more about His provision for us regardless of our circumstances. We rely less and less on our old ways of surviving, ways we had grown quite used to, I might add. Ways that seemingly served us effectively on our path. Yet, ways that would ultimately lead to our destruction (Proverbs 14:12).
Just when this new jargon gets overwhelming and I fight feelings of inadequacy, I read something that reminds me that I HAVE SEEN THIS THING BEFORE. Hello. I have seen how attachment works, especially when it comes to insecurity and trust issues. I have seen little by little how a rock hard exterior can crack, then chip, then fall off in a quadrillion pieces. I have seen consistent, patient, determined, intentional love sit and watch a tantrum with merciful, graceful eyes. I have felt tender hands of affection dust off the remnants of sod and gravel from a fall while tenderly giving me a do-over, rather than using a million harsh words to correct me. I have known the drawing in during seasons of discipline, rather than the pushing away (withdrawing is a self-made survival mechanism). He knows how foolish it is to begin to implement the old ways when I have been delivered and freed to use His ways, as His child. I have known the relief of a day that leads to a week that leads to a month of not having a temper tantrum because I finally believe I am in a family with a Father that is fully trustworthy. I bet, if you know Jesus, you have seen this thing before, too.
So, in the days to come, if you see me with puffy, red eyes from crying and/or lack of sleep. Or when our son doesn't "act like a McKeehan," or when he decides that today he doesn't have ONE MORE OUNCE TO RELINQUISH, will you join me in remembering our own seasons of that rub between the old man and new man? It's a process. And, I for one, am SO ridiculously astounded that Jesus chose to do this for me. Many of the books I read are by secular authors on the topic of adoption discipline and attachment. I am forever amazed at how each one mimics the gospel. Physical adoption really is the most tangible picture of spiritual adoption to the watching world. Without this process (good, bad, and jargon), there is so much I would've missed about who I am in Him. How He loves, pursues, disciplines, and takes us in. Take note today about your own bond with your Father. If you are well attached, it hasn't come without pain, tears, and turmoil. If you are still struggling with trust issues, relying on your own survival skills, be patient with yourself. It's a process. But, choose to trust him with the small. Then, you will more easily trust Him with the big. But, don't take my word for it. You have to experience it to develop "felt safety." Eventually, you will look back and not even recognize yourself. You'll likely resemble your Father. And, He is beautiful.
