I've felt compelled to write numerous times in the past couple of weeks. I've started more times than I care to admit and deleted it all. Longing with all my heart to be authentic in this process while also longing with all my heart to walk it well for the Name and Fame of Jesus is always what prompts, propels, or stops me. He has taught me there is a balance that allows me to do both... I have simply been around enough to know I don't have to share EVERYTHING to be authentic. Let's be real, no one wants to hear or know how many days I fight wanting to curl up in a ball and cry all day over this process. At the same time, I've had some of the most intimate, tender moments with the Lord through the process that I want to keep just between us. So, therein lies the issue... what to share and what NOT to share. How much of the good, bad, and ugly do people REALLY want to hear and care about? More importantly, how much will they really pray about? I don't ever want to pass on info for the sake of passing it on or giving anyone (or everyone) something to talk about. The reason behind the posts is central: prayer. The community God has graciously surrounded us with has been unbelievably supportive, prayerful, and loving through this journey and we want to include everyone with "the latest." I am the one who lacks in passing this information along because I get weary trying to sort through it myself sometimes, I certainly wouldn't ask someone else to try to (someone please laugh or smirk at the mere thought of trying to understand or comprehend this process). So, in an effort to let you know what has been in my head and heart over the past few months, I will simply give bullet points of random thoughts/lessons/updated info. I will preface it all by saying how grateful I am the Lord has led me to start a new Bible Study in this season, "Children of the Day," by Beth Moore. It is an in-depth study of First and Second Thessalonians. Over the course of the last 3 and half months I have been memorizing First Thessalonians. However, it wasn't until this study that the Lord opened my heart and eyes in a fresh way to one of the very first verses of the book. First Thessalonians 1:3 reads, "We recall, in the presence of our God and Father, your work of faith, labor of love, and endurance of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."
Faith. Hope. Love. The way Beth Moore explained this verse, jumped off the pages like salve to my wounded, raw, hurting heart. She wrote the three themes Paul was addressing like this: Faith can be work. Love can be labor. Hope can get long.
As I sucker-punched these truths straight into my gut, I prayed they would make their way to my head and most importantly, to my heart. This process has tested (and continues to) every one of these themes. Faith CAN be work. Believing God is working and moving despite what my eyes can see takes active, growing, fighting-for faith. Love CAN be labor. Sometimes I want to focus on the labor part more than the love part; somehow wanting to justify how I am supposed to keep loving someone when it is so stinkin' hard. I am sure someone reading this can identify. And finally,
HOPE CAN GET LONG.
I am so thankful for a sympathetic Savior Who knows all too well this truth. Repeatedly, He calls us to endure. Not to sprint and hold our breath. Persevere. Don't quit just because it doesn't go your way or it gets tough. Tougher than you ever thought it could or would even. I have engraved these four words permanently over this season of life, knowing hope can get long, BUT it never runs out. Ever. I tend to want to be done. To wither up and cry and think of all the "what if's?" Not hope. It might get long, but it never gives up or runs out or gets too emotionally exhausted to fight another day. So.... here are my bullet points, all framed around this one theme:
HOPE CAN GET LONG.
*Mother's Day in the wait is hard. Perhaps harder than Christmas or Easter or birthdays. Combined. God has grown my heart to be more tender toward those who are in different seasons of waiting or grieving on Mother's Day. Celebrating motherhood, blessings of children, and mothers gifted to us is certainly one important side. On the other side, however, are those longing, hoping, waiting, fighting back tears at the mere thought of their arms being empty. still. again. I certainly am not alone on this one. Many of you are right here in the wait. As we walk through these next few days, don't buy into the lie the enemy has told you... one that somehow has convinced us a magnifying glass is passing over us on this day so everyone can see how we handle ourselves. How we are holding up. It's a lie. Don't buy it. Cling to the promise that He sees. He knows. He cares. He said it Himself. Psalm 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." You aren't alone, even though it can be lonely. I am not alone. You are not alone. Not on Mother's Day or any other day. But, the truth is, it is still hard.
*This is a grieving process. It has taken me over three years of waiting to finally be able to look at a friend recently and say,"I am grieving," with tears streaming down my face. I told you it can get ugly. This grief is so different than losing someone you love. It's complicated to love and miss someone you've never held or known. It's no less grief. And, allowing myself the freedom to walk through the emotions of that, even when it isn't understood by everyone, has allowed so much healing for me. I am thankful for friends who understand and cry with me.... where I don't have to justify why it is grief. The fact is, I am heart broken and missing someone I love very much. I am in no way saying I understand what it is like to lose someone as dear to me as a child... I would be a fool to be as presumptuous as to do that. Walking that path with friends has certainly taught me the two aren't the same. Both grief. But, different.
*We are one day closer. Hope can get long. But, several nights a week before our eyes close in sleep, I say to Mark, "We are one day closer." And, it's true. For the first time in over a year the Ethiopia program seems to be having more referrals coming in and being given to families more consistently in recent months which (hopefully) is a move in the right direction. Literally, we could get a call any day.
*We opened up to siblings (up to two). A couple of weeks ago we had our home study update (we have to do home study updates yearly, background checks, fingerprinting locally every year/federally every 18 months, submit updated paperwork to immigration, etc... it's a process and it's ongoing...). During the home study we are always given the chance to change our preferences. Initially, we didn't open to siblings because we were interested in adopting a girl. Gender preferences get complicated in siblings, so to open to siblings would've meant being open to two boys. So, since updating our gender preference in December to boy or girl, we opened to a sibling group of up to two. Simply put, this means we might get one boy or girl or a sibling group of two boys, two girls, or one of each.
*I am learning to really trust God's processes. As this journey moves on in time far longer than anyone on this planet ever suspected it would, I forced open the pages of scripture asking God to please allow me to walk with someone who had been called to some kind of God-given process. I am tickled as I type that. God flung the doors wide open on the pages of scripture. Abraham/Sarah, Noah, King David, Children of Israel, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Jacob, Paul, John, Jesus.... the list goes on and on (and on....). All of these were followers of Jesus who were called to do things that took a LONG TIME. And often, scripture notes, they were called to do them BECAUSE of their faith in God. Processes that took far longer than they expected, thought, or imagined. 120 years to build a boat you'd only need 40 days and nights? God is SO in the process. And, as a result, He has taught me to trust Him more, seek Him more, comfort in Him more, delight in Him more, rely on Him more, call on Him more. In my study of God and the process I came back upon a verse I have known and loved for years. Yet, again, it just lifted my spirits and my hope. Isaiah 61:3, "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them that they may be oaks of righteousness for the display of His splendor." He plants us, knowing what is to come. Knowing to go from "a planting" to "an oak of righteousness" will come with rain, storms, heat from the blazing sun, and time. A process. In the end, if we don't give way to bitterness and cynicism, we will be able to display His glory. However, it comes with a process. I tend to want the Lord to plant me like a mighty oak... but, He knows I would wither and die in no time flat out of feelings of self-sufficiency. The process isn't always fun. But, I am believing Him that it is always worth it.
*I am convinced more now than ever that this is what God called us to. As I have searched my heart and mind and feelings and Bible over the course of the last 6 or 8 months, there are days I have wondered if somehow we missed what God was saying. Tenderly, He has confirmed it over and over (often through those processes in scripture... they might get long and hard, but it's still what He called us to). Recently, in one study of passages I could hardly write as fast as I felt like the Holy Spirit was speaking. My hand wanted a break, my heart was just getting started. To not bore you, in a nutshell, I realized in a fresh way (it wasn't new information, but it was new perception) how seemingly impossible it was for Gentiles to be adopted into God's family. Gentiles don't look like Jews, act like Jews, know all the rules to be a Jew, don't hold the same Feasts/holidays as Jews, Gentiles aren't "qualified" to God's children, nor were they expected to be. And right there, staring at those notes, I bawled. To the watching world, physical adoption is the most tangible picture of the gospel. Especially for Gentiles. Intercountry adoption usually means adopting a child that won't look like you, act like you, know your rules, hold your same holidays, speak your language. Nothing about it seems to make sense. Nothing about it seems "right." The cost is high. The risk is higher. Yet, He did whatever it took to make a way for us, Gentiles, to be adopted. In this, I sat back with tears pouring out of my eyes splattering on the floor. Whispering into my spirit with tenderness and love, "It's what I called you to do BECAUSE it doesn't make sense. Like YOUR spiritual adoption. Because some people aren't going to understand... like the Jews didn't understand. BECAUSE it's costly (and not just financial) and because it's risky." God knowing the cost, Jesus paying the price, didn't look at the time, the risk, the cost, the ability for us to make sense of it all. The focus was on giving us a future and a hope. For that to happen, there was only one way. On days I am particularly struggling, I remember this... Our child has a future and a hope, but getting there won't be easy. Black and white. Rich and Poor. Named and unnamed. educated and uneducated. Jew and Gentile.
All are welcome here, at the foot of the cross. Praise you, Jesus.
*Lastly, I have been playing our new Passion CD, "Take it All," on repeat for days. I DO love the new songs, but more than that, I believe God is using them to, little-by-little, grow fresh flesh over some raw, oozing (sometimes hemorrhaging) parts of my heart. One song in particular has been especially healing. Like only she can do, Christy Nockels sings with authenticity of a life lived dependent on Jesus, the beautiful words, "And God I breathe Your name over everything. Let it be, Let it be Jesus." Every time, I nearly cry trying to utter the words across my lips, while my heart screams the words so loud my chest hurts. Even when HOPE GETS LONG... ESPECIALLY WHEN HOPE GETS LONG, I want to breathe His name over everything. The lyrics go on... "Should I ever be abandoned, Should I ever be acclaimed, Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame. There's a name I will remember, there's a name I will proclaim. Let it be, Let it be Jesus."
So, there you have it. Started out seeking to adopt one girl and we might come home with two boys. Started out believing we would be into our second adoption by now. Started out short on patience and long on hope. Walking today feeling the reality that HOPE CAN GET LONG, but also confident of the reality of His steadfast love and faithfulness. Thank you for praying for us. I am asking God to bless you and your household 100-fold for your time invested in prayer for us.
Faith can be work. Love can be labor. Hope can get long. Even still, "God, I want to breathe your name above everything. Let it be, let it be Jesus."
Friday, May 9, 2014
Monday, December 16, 2013
Tickled Pink OR blue
I just reread my last post about being willing to yield. I am so tickled at the Lord and His timing. He has literally had the theme of "willing to yield" pressing in so tightly on my heart and mind, there have been days I could hardly think past those three words. He is so kind in His ways, His words, His intentionality. He is SO unbelievably personal. This past Friday was a day like any other... school, visiting Santa at the local Bass Pro Shop, dinner with friends. Nothing crazy or out of the norm for this season. Until Mark said (as he was driving us to dinner), "hey, will you read this email. It just came to my phone?" And then he handed me his phone. I immediately noticed it was from a dear friend that we have grown to love and trust at Bethany (our adoption agency). She has always been quick to encourage us, pray for us, listen through our frustration and tears. Her email started out by saying she had woken early one morning last week feeling led to pray for our family, especially knowing how difficult the holidays will be for us. Again. She explained that she only wants for our family what God wants for our family, and not being around early on in our adoption journey, she certainly didn't want to push us or overstep any lines. She was writing to simply tell us what she felt the Lord was asking her to tell us. And then she wrote, "Would you consider a son.....?" In the end it was a sweet email saturated in prayer. She simply asked us to spend the weekend praying about a girl OR a boy. In this, it would obviously leave God the open door to still bring a daughter home, but it would also open up Him giving us a son.
It begged so many questions at first. Obviously, my first thoughts went to Regan. My second thoughts went to dreams, mental images, "L"'s on our walls, on stockings, and "Lakin" written on so many things in our home. Both of our minds began to race... Clearly, we had discussed adopting a son with a second adoption and along this process we had discussed it numerous times. But, we always came back to the fact that a girl is what we said and where our heads and hearts have been for 3 years. Then, the next questions were, "why? Why did we initially say a girl?" Three years is a long time. Hudson was 1 and Corbin was 2... Regan was 6, Brycen was 8. Our lives looked so different. So did THIS process from THIS country. When we first started it didn't matter what gender, the wait time was 3-6 months. Did I mention a lot has changed?! As the days, weeks, months, and years have passed, what we initially expected to happen died a long time ago. So, we prayed. Boy, have we prayed. We called a few people who know us and our hearts, who have tirelessly prayed for us, and explained the situation, asking them to spend the weekend in prayer for us. Each one was so faithful and eager to step in and serve us in this selfless way. We will forever be grateful. Our initial talk to the kids about this was with Brycen, as Regan was with my parents over the weekend. Oh, God's timing... it is SO perfect. Brycen asked a few questions like, "Does this mean we would still do another adoption?" "So, we will get a boy and a girl eventually, we just wouldn't know the order yet?' and many more. All appropriate, great questions. He was, needless to say, excited either way.
But, one thing remained: talking to Regan. Mark and I went out Saturday night on a date. Most of the night was focused on where we felt God was leading our family in regards to this adoption and how every scenario would impact life (as much as we could predict). We were honest about our fears, discussed how exciting this change could be, and had such a great time looking at how God has been stretching and teaching us. How He has been preparing my heart for weeks as I have been sitting in being willing to yield.
Regan came home Saturday night and I went in to have the talk with her while she was in the bathtub. I figured there is no better place to have a captive audience! I started out letting her know there was total freedom for total honesty. I wanted her to know that her trusting us was paramount and if what I had to say would make her not trust us, it wasn't even up for discussion. She listened intently, not missing a word. I finally told her about the email and said, "this in no way means we have to do this or that we are doing this. It simply means God used this lady to prompt us to seek Him again about a boy OR a girl." She tried not to cry at first, but the sobs started. I went over to her head and touched her face and said, "You don't have to say a word. If it means this much to you..." and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "Mom, that is not why I am crying. I am just so tired of waiting. It's HARD!" And then, I cried. Holding her hand while she explained, "So many people tell me they know it's been hard and it's been a long time. Mom, they have NO idea." It was such a sweet moment with her. To just cry together and explain that "Dad and I had no idea, Regan, that it would take so long and be so hard on us." She shook her head saying, "I know, Mom. It's hard for you, too." I talked to her about my real concerns regarding long-term resentment that might come if a boy came home first. She listened and thought. I asked her to pray about it and I said, "If you are not ok with this, it really is ok. We initially chose a girl because gender wasn't a factor in waiting and at the time it made sense to us, but at the end of the day, God called us to care for the orphan." Her response reached out and touched my core. Her wise words brought so much comfort to my fears, my reservations, my worrying about her. She said this, with tears streaming down her face, "I am kind of tired of just praying for and waiting for orphans. I am ready to actually start CARING for one, a girl or a boy." tears burned in my eyes as our eyes met and I didn't even wipe them away. I just looked at her and said, "You teach me so much." She went on, "Three years is a long time to wait when there are so many orphans, girls AND boys, who need families." I tried to regain my composure, reminding myself that I came there to talk with her, not the other way around. We discussed so many options and outcomes. Talked about God building our family how He wants in whatever order He wants. And, when we were finishing up I said, "I just need to know if you are 50% ok with this, 80% ok, or 100% ok because we can wait to decide." She touched my hand and said, "Mom, I am 110% ok with this. Let's do it!" I walked to my room and cried. And cried. He is always SO before us. Preparing the way when we couldn't even see that a way needed to be prepared, He goes before us.
As I have prayed over the last few days, asking God to show me how to be more willing to yield, He has been so faithful. I have felt like for all this time I have been holding out my hands with the pieces I was willing for God to use to build my life. This weekend He has kindly, gently, lovingly whispered, "Put your hands behind your back. Let me start from scratch and create your life My way with My pieces. It far exceeds your plans. Trust Me."
Today, as we opened our advent book, "Waiting Here for You," we had such a great discussion with Brycen and Regan about the topic for the day. It will likely find its way on our walls somewhere. I can't say enough how intentional He has been to lead us. Today's thought in the book was this: Who you become while you are waiting is as important as what you are waiting for.
Sigh. I am thankful for the reminder.
So, here goes. Hands behind my back, heart full, and hope high. We are excited to let you know that we called the agency today to tell them we are willing to adopt a boy OR a girl. The excitement around here is nearly tangible as we sit in a new place of faith. Stretched. Challenged. Thankful.
We are tickled pink OR blue.
It begged so many questions at first. Obviously, my first thoughts went to Regan. My second thoughts went to dreams, mental images, "L"'s on our walls, on stockings, and "Lakin" written on so many things in our home. Both of our minds began to race... Clearly, we had discussed adopting a son with a second adoption and along this process we had discussed it numerous times. But, we always came back to the fact that a girl is what we said and where our heads and hearts have been for 3 years. Then, the next questions were, "why? Why did we initially say a girl?" Three years is a long time. Hudson was 1 and Corbin was 2... Regan was 6, Brycen was 8. Our lives looked so different. So did THIS process from THIS country. When we first started it didn't matter what gender, the wait time was 3-6 months. Did I mention a lot has changed?! As the days, weeks, months, and years have passed, what we initially expected to happen died a long time ago. So, we prayed. Boy, have we prayed. We called a few people who know us and our hearts, who have tirelessly prayed for us, and explained the situation, asking them to spend the weekend in prayer for us. Each one was so faithful and eager to step in and serve us in this selfless way. We will forever be grateful. Our initial talk to the kids about this was with Brycen, as Regan was with my parents over the weekend. Oh, God's timing... it is SO perfect. Brycen asked a few questions like, "Does this mean we would still do another adoption?" "So, we will get a boy and a girl eventually, we just wouldn't know the order yet?' and many more. All appropriate, great questions. He was, needless to say, excited either way.
But, one thing remained: talking to Regan. Mark and I went out Saturday night on a date. Most of the night was focused on where we felt God was leading our family in regards to this adoption and how every scenario would impact life (as much as we could predict). We were honest about our fears, discussed how exciting this change could be, and had such a great time looking at how God has been stretching and teaching us. How He has been preparing my heart for weeks as I have been sitting in being willing to yield.
Regan came home Saturday night and I went in to have the talk with her while she was in the bathtub. I figured there is no better place to have a captive audience! I started out letting her know there was total freedom for total honesty. I wanted her to know that her trusting us was paramount and if what I had to say would make her not trust us, it wasn't even up for discussion. She listened intently, not missing a word. I finally told her about the email and said, "this in no way means we have to do this or that we are doing this. It simply means God used this lady to prompt us to seek Him again about a boy OR a girl." She tried not to cry at first, but the sobs started. I went over to her head and touched her face and said, "You don't have to say a word. If it means this much to you..." and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "Mom, that is not why I am crying. I am just so tired of waiting. It's HARD!" And then, I cried. Holding her hand while she explained, "So many people tell me they know it's been hard and it's been a long time. Mom, they have NO idea." It was such a sweet moment with her. To just cry together and explain that "Dad and I had no idea, Regan, that it would take so long and be so hard on us." She shook her head saying, "I know, Mom. It's hard for you, too." I talked to her about my real concerns regarding long-term resentment that might come if a boy came home first. She listened and thought. I asked her to pray about it and I said, "If you are not ok with this, it really is ok. We initially chose a girl because gender wasn't a factor in waiting and at the time it made sense to us, but at the end of the day, God called us to care for the orphan." Her response reached out and touched my core. Her wise words brought so much comfort to my fears, my reservations, my worrying about her. She said this, with tears streaming down her face, "I am kind of tired of just praying for and waiting for orphans. I am ready to actually start CARING for one, a girl or a boy." tears burned in my eyes as our eyes met and I didn't even wipe them away. I just looked at her and said, "You teach me so much." She went on, "Three years is a long time to wait when there are so many orphans, girls AND boys, who need families." I tried to regain my composure, reminding myself that I came there to talk with her, not the other way around. We discussed so many options and outcomes. Talked about God building our family how He wants in whatever order He wants. And, when we were finishing up I said, "I just need to know if you are 50% ok with this, 80% ok, or 100% ok because we can wait to decide." She touched my hand and said, "Mom, I am 110% ok with this. Let's do it!" I walked to my room and cried. And cried. He is always SO before us. Preparing the way when we couldn't even see that a way needed to be prepared, He goes before us.
As I have prayed over the last few days, asking God to show me how to be more willing to yield, He has been so faithful. I have felt like for all this time I have been holding out my hands with the pieces I was willing for God to use to build my life. This weekend He has kindly, gently, lovingly whispered, "Put your hands behind your back. Let me start from scratch and create your life My way with My pieces. It far exceeds your plans. Trust Me."
Today, as we opened our advent book, "Waiting Here for You," we had such a great discussion with Brycen and Regan about the topic for the day. It will likely find its way on our walls somewhere. I can't say enough how intentional He has been to lead us. Today's thought in the book was this: Who you become while you are waiting is as important as what you are waiting for.
Sigh. I am thankful for the reminder.
So, here goes. Hands behind my back, heart full, and hope high. We are excited to let you know that we called the agency today to tell them we are willing to adopt a boy OR a girl. The excitement around here is nearly tangible as we sit in a new place of faith. Stretched. Challenged. Thankful.
We are tickled pink OR blue.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Willing to Yield
It is never easy to sit and look at this blank screen and flashing cursor when there is still nothing new happening in regards to our adoption. It simply isn't where we thought we would be at this time. Three years after completing our first piece of paperwork and still nothing tangible to show for it. It's surreal. And hard. And, in all honesty, lonely. No human word can heal our hurts of longing, but the Lord hasn't stopped teaching us, teaching me, growing us, growing me, when we are simply
willing to yield.
This past summer the older kids and I spent the summer finishing up memorizing the book of James. It was in those weeks that we first really meditated on and studied what would be my theme over the course of the last several weeks. Simply put, be....
willing to yield.
When the kids and I first studied it, the idea was so tangible. I could see how practical and valuable and useful and humbling these three words were. At first, I could hear arguing over a toy, fighting over who sat in which seat in the car, whose turn it was to go first, who would get the last piece of candy, and I could simply say, "Who is going to be
willing to yield?"
This idea of yielding is such a lost "art" in our culture on so many levels. And, in discussions with the kids we often noted how counter to our culture it actually has become. As a matter of fact, we talked about how yielding really is supernatural. It is the idea of willingly putting someone else's benefit above your own. The imagery is that of a car yielding to allow another to proceed before or of one turning his/her body sideways, arm outstretched to the side allowing the way of another to pass by. James says it like this in chapter 3, verse 17, "But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and
willing to yield
to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere." Wisdom from above is full of mercy. It is gentle and it is peace loving at all times. All times. Even when it is hard, goes against what we want, or isn't what we "signed up for." sigh. Wisdom from above is what I want above all else. Written right here in black and white James, inspired by the Holy Spirit, tells us what true wisdom looks like...it looks like mercy. It looks like gentleness and peace at all times. It looks like someone with a spirit that is
willing to yield.
I have just completed a Bible study where I was asked, again, to examine James 3 in depth. It was as if these three words came off the page to me. Again. But, this time it was with a different sense of purpose or meaning. It was as if my prior experience of seeing tangible ways to yield to others was just to prepare me for what God had for me in this season. As I reread James 3:17 this go around I heard these words so differently. It was no longer about seats in the car, toys, sharing, taking turns, or driving a car. In my longing and hurting I have been desperate for the tangible. To come to the realization there isn't one other couple on the planet that Mark and I know that we can look at who really understand what it is like to be walking in these shoes. That is tough. Others who have waited for things? sure. Others who have longed? of course. Others who have adopted? absolutely. Others who have waited this long, willing to adopt an older child from Ethiopia without even a face, a name, or an age? not one. The human in me wants something tangible. As our Bible Fellowship class recently studied Isaiah 53 we discussed the impact of Jesus being 100% divine as well as 100% human. To know He understands as a human has proven to be so healing and helpful. However, it isn't (necessarily) tangible. As my mind and heart began to grasp (again) for what I could hold onto, trust, see, I could sense Holy Spirit whispering, "be
willing to yield."
As God pressed in on this in my heart I finally realized that harder than yielding to what is tangible is yielding to what is not: His will, His way, His timing. A person that will yield to others, meaning will give up what he/she wants for the sake of another, is one who won't fight to prove a point or feel the need to always be "right." However, a person with a SPIRIT that is
willing to yield
is one who won't fight His will, His way, His timing. It's difficult to even type for me, in all authenticity. Quite frankly, because I don't like it. And I am just to the point of being able to accept that just because I don't like it has nothing to do with the fact that it is the way to wisdom. It actually has everything to do with His saying it. In all His infinite wisdom and all He could have left for us regarding obtaining "wisdom from above" He chose to leave us with these nuggets of truth: Be
willing to yield.
In our flesh and nature this will not happen. It has to be intentional. It has to be planned. It is a matter of trust. Am I willing to trust that He knows best, sees all, and is keenly aware of every detail in my circumstance? Or am I trusting what is tangible, what I can see, and how I feel (that's a big one!)? Am I
willing to yield
control to Him? As I type, I have tears streaming down my face at how raw this still is for me. No one on planet earth could have prepared me for this adoption journey. It's tougher, longer, harder, and fiercer than I could have ever imagined. But, in it all, He hasn't taken His eyes off us, her, or the clock over our heads. Not for one second. In my flesh, I would rather fight about who rides up front, whose turn it is to go first, or who gets the last piece of candy. But, God has something bigger, richer, greater in mind.... His plan, His will, His way, His timing. In the end, He is most concerned about my heart and how I trust Him with all of my life. Every season. Every detail. Every circumstance. Little by little, He is growing me to better understand that in order to fully trust Him I must be
willing to yield.
To step aside, arm outstretched, and in my posture say, "Go ahead of me. I insist." I don't know your struggle or if you can relate in any way. However, I want to encourage someone today with the promise of this verse. In the area of life you feel the most desperate for His wisdom, I would encourage you to simply let Him work on your heart in regards to yielding. Perhaps for you it is matter of mercy, gentleness, peace. Or perhaps, you could pull up a chair across from me at Starbucks over a latte, and we could be in good company. Company that needs this truth to sink way down.... True wisdom from above is
willing to yield.
Even if I don't always like it or understand it. His patience is limitless, thank goodness! So, it may just come in baby steps, if you are like me. I have found myself repeating over and over again in my head for days or weeks at a time,
"willing to yield. willing to yield. willing to yield."
Finally, it starts to sink in a little deeper. And, even there, His goodness is waiting. As each of us press on in the road He has asked us to walk, I am thankful He allows us to walk it together. As we seek His wisdom, we cannot overlook the role our own choices make in regards to this truth: we must be
willing to yield.
It simply isn't optional in order to gain His wisdom. And, when it's time to meet up at Starbucks in good company, you order first. I insist.
willing to yield.
I have just completed a Bible study where I was asked, again, to examine James 3 in depth. It was as if these three words came off the page to me. Again. But, this time it was with a different sense of purpose or meaning. It was as if my prior experience of seeing tangible ways to yield to others was just to prepare me for what God had for me in this season. As I reread James 3:17 this go around I heard these words so differently. It was no longer about seats in the car, toys, sharing, taking turns, or driving a car. In my longing and hurting I have been desperate for the tangible. To come to the realization there isn't one other couple on the planet that Mark and I know that we can look at who really understand what it is like to be walking in these shoes. That is tough. Others who have waited for things? sure. Others who have longed? of course. Others who have adopted? absolutely. Others who have waited this long, willing to adopt an older child from Ethiopia without even a face, a name, or an age? not one. The human in me wants something tangible. As our Bible Fellowship class recently studied Isaiah 53 we discussed the impact of Jesus being 100% divine as well as 100% human. To know He understands as a human has proven to be so healing and helpful. However, it isn't (necessarily) tangible. As my mind and heart began to grasp (again) for what I could hold onto, trust, see, I could sense Holy Spirit whispering, "be
willing to yield."
As God pressed in on this in my heart I finally realized that harder than yielding to what is tangible is yielding to what is not: His will, His way, His timing. A person that will yield to others, meaning will give up what he/she wants for the sake of another, is one who won't fight to prove a point or feel the need to always be "right." However, a person with a SPIRIT that is
willing to yield
is one who won't fight His will, His way, His timing. It's difficult to even type for me, in all authenticity. Quite frankly, because I don't like it. And I am just to the point of being able to accept that just because I don't like it has nothing to do with the fact that it is the way to wisdom. It actually has everything to do with His saying it. In all His infinite wisdom and all He could have left for us regarding obtaining "wisdom from above" He chose to leave us with these nuggets of truth: Be
willing to yield.
In our flesh and nature this will not happen. It has to be intentional. It has to be planned. It is a matter of trust. Am I willing to trust that He knows best, sees all, and is keenly aware of every detail in my circumstance? Or am I trusting what is tangible, what I can see, and how I feel (that's a big one!)? Am I
willing to yield
control to Him? As I type, I have tears streaming down my face at how raw this still is for me. No one on planet earth could have prepared me for this adoption journey. It's tougher, longer, harder, and fiercer than I could have ever imagined. But, in it all, He hasn't taken His eyes off us, her, or the clock over our heads. Not for one second. In my flesh, I would rather fight about who rides up front, whose turn it is to go first, or who gets the last piece of candy. But, God has something bigger, richer, greater in mind.... His plan, His will, His way, His timing. In the end, He is most concerned about my heart and how I trust Him with all of my life. Every season. Every detail. Every circumstance. Little by little, He is growing me to better understand that in order to fully trust Him I must be
willing to yield.
To step aside, arm outstretched, and in my posture say, "Go ahead of me. I insist." I don't know your struggle or if you can relate in any way. However, I want to encourage someone today with the promise of this verse. In the area of life you feel the most desperate for His wisdom, I would encourage you to simply let Him work on your heart in regards to yielding. Perhaps for you it is matter of mercy, gentleness, peace. Or perhaps, you could pull up a chair across from me at Starbucks over a latte, and we could be in good company. Company that needs this truth to sink way down.... True wisdom from above is
willing to yield.
Even if I don't always like it or understand it. His patience is limitless, thank goodness! So, it may just come in baby steps, if you are like me. I have found myself repeating over and over again in my head for days or weeks at a time,
"willing to yield. willing to yield. willing to yield."
Finally, it starts to sink in a little deeper. And, even there, His goodness is waiting. As each of us press on in the road He has asked us to walk, I am thankful He allows us to walk it together. As we seek His wisdom, we cannot overlook the role our own choices make in regards to this truth: we must be
willing to yield.
It simply isn't optional in order to gain His wisdom. And, when it's time to meet up at Starbucks in good company, you order first. I insist.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
When The Veil Thins
I never dreamed six months would pass between posts. I also never dreamed we would still be waiting. Though we believe our days of waiting are coming to a close, I am learning to celebrate the process. What a process. I have never been much of one to ask, "Why?" Seems to me, God doesn't owe us an explanation and even if He gave one it likely wouldn't be "good enough" to ease my heart ache. I trust Him. I trust His timing. And, I am learning to trust the veils He hangs. And the kindness He extends
When the Veil thins.
There are countless families waiting, much like us. That neither eases the heartache or justifies it, it simply reminds me that we are not alone. Since we began our adoption 2 1/2 years ago, our lives have changed so much. Our priorities have changed so much. Our perspective has changed so much. God has been so faithful to allow us the privilege of walking down roads of caring for orphans through so many family and friends. Some through the foster system, some foster to adopt, some through domestic adoption, and others through international adoption. The many faces of adoption still melt my heart and leave me undone. It has been a joy to serve these families as well as to be served by them. Another opportunity that came to us in the process was caring for orphans and restaveks (child slaves) in Haiti. As many of you know, we have been actively involved in opening a home in Gressier, Haiti for 5 rescued restaveks. Our time in Haiti has been sweet and hard and rewarding and stretching and revealing and humbling. I am still blown away that God allows human beings to be even a small part in His plan to make all things new. But, He is the faithful One... He, indeed, is making all things new. Those sweet young ladies (and babies) living at Kay Libete (The Freedom House) are tangible evidences of His redemptive plan. I had the privilege of traveling back to Gressier with two young ladies from our church at the end of May. It had been 7 weeks since my previous trip and I had prayed and hoped I would be in Ethiopia and unable to make the May trip. But, God had a different plan and it was on the May trip that I realized His faithfulness
when the veil thins.
Off and on for several months I would let the doubts and questions swarm in my head for a bit, but would try to quickly speak His truths to the lies and let fear subside. I want to be authentic in this journey....This is the hardest thing I have ever done. We have ever done. And the most beautiful. There are days I know God has been purposed in hanging veils and other days I am frustrated at the obscurity and uncertainty the hanging veils leave. His plans are full of purpose and love. That has never wavered. But, when you can't make sense of the plan or when it doesn't go anything like you expected, there are days it's difficult to sort truth from lies. This makes His lavish grace more tangible
when the veil thins.
On the plane ride to Haiti in May I was journaling while listening to music on my iPod. I was pouring out my prayers regarding adoption in my journal and then it happened. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart loud and clear. I could hardly control my tears because I knew He was speaking words of healing to my hurting heart. The more I listened, the faster my pen wrote. As I sat writing, one kind, unnecessary, generous "why" came.
The Veil Thinned.
If I had my way and our referral had come when everyone expected (including our agency) we would not have had the opportunity to invest in Haiti. At least in this season. In God's Sovereignty I believe the young ladies at Kay Libete would have found restoration. However, the role they each play in our lives is such a blessing, my eyes blurred at the mere thought of life without them. Had I had my way, I would have never known the joy of watching one of them be baptized after giving her life to Jesus while we were there in April. Or the joy of knowing one rescued from a voodoo temple now sleeps safely and securely in the arms of Jesus. Oh the peace that comes
when the veil thins.
Again, God owes us no "why." We aren't asking Him for one. We do believe the process has made us more compassionate to those longing (on many levels regarding many circumstances). It has most certainly taught us more about His heart toward us, His extravagant pursuit of us, His tender love for us even before we trust Him. As we press on in our final days before we see her face, we are trusting Him more than ever. We have come to REALLY realize our total dependence MUST be on Him. No other circumstance has pushed us to our knees or forced us to lay all we have at His feet like this journey. I am so thankful for the process. Whatever veils might be hanging for you right now.... those things that are not clear, those plans that are not going like you believed they would, those circumstances that are uncertain and unpredictable... I pray you, too, will begin to see the beauty in the process. It certainly hasn't come naturally for me. It has not been easy or even fun most days. But, it has been beautiful. In your season of longing, I pray you will push to see His face more and to trust Him fully. Even when you know there is no answer that would satisfy your "why," I pray you will have renewed strength as you wait on Him. And, out of nowhere He might grab hold of your pen mid-air and take your breath away! I am praying you will see His extravagant love, unmatched kindness, limitless grace, and tender mercies for you
when the veil thins.
When the Veil thins.
There are countless families waiting, much like us. That neither eases the heartache or justifies it, it simply reminds me that we are not alone. Since we began our adoption 2 1/2 years ago, our lives have changed so much. Our priorities have changed so much. Our perspective has changed so much. God has been so faithful to allow us the privilege of walking down roads of caring for orphans through so many family and friends. Some through the foster system, some foster to adopt, some through domestic adoption, and others through international adoption. The many faces of adoption still melt my heart and leave me undone. It has been a joy to serve these families as well as to be served by them. Another opportunity that came to us in the process was caring for orphans and restaveks (child slaves) in Haiti. As many of you know, we have been actively involved in opening a home in Gressier, Haiti for 5 rescued restaveks. Our time in Haiti has been sweet and hard and rewarding and stretching and revealing and humbling. I am still blown away that God allows human beings to be even a small part in His plan to make all things new. But, He is the faithful One... He, indeed, is making all things new. Those sweet young ladies (and babies) living at Kay Libete (The Freedom House) are tangible evidences of His redemptive plan. I had the privilege of traveling back to Gressier with two young ladies from our church at the end of May. It had been 7 weeks since my previous trip and I had prayed and hoped I would be in Ethiopia and unable to make the May trip. But, God had a different plan and it was on the May trip that I realized His faithfulness
when the veil thins.
Off and on for several months I would let the doubts and questions swarm in my head for a bit, but would try to quickly speak His truths to the lies and let fear subside. I want to be authentic in this journey....This is the hardest thing I have ever done. We have ever done. And the most beautiful. There are days I know God has been purposed in hanging veils and other days I am frustrated at the obscurity and uncertainty the hanging veils leave. His plans are full of purpose and love. That has never wavered. But, when you can't make sense of the plan or when it doesn't go anything like you expected, there are days it's difficult to sort truth from lies. This makes His lavish grace more tangible
when the veil thins.
On the plane ride to Haiti in May I was journaling while listening to music on my iPod. I was pouring out my prayers regarding adoption in my journal and then it happened. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart loud and clear. I could hardly control my tears because I knew He was speaking words of healing to my hurting heart. The more I listened, the faster my pen wrote. As I sat writing, one kind, unnecessary, generous "why" came.
The Veil Thinned.
If I had my way and our referral had come when everyone expected (including our agency) we would not have had the opportunity to invest in Haiti. At least in this season. In God's Sovereignty I believe the young ladies at Kay Libete would have found restoration. However, the role they each play in our lives is such a blessing, my eyes blurred at the mere thought of life without them. Had I had my way, I would have never known the joy of watching one of them be baptized after giving her life to Jesus while we were there in April. Or the joy of knowing one rescued from a voodoo temple now sleeps safely and securely in the arms of Jesus. Oh the peace that comes
when the veil thins.
Again, God owes us no "why." We aren't asking Him for one. We do believe the process has made us more compassionate to those longing (on many levels regarding many circumstances). It has most certainly taught us more about His heart toward us, His extravagant pursuit of us, His tender love for us even before we trust Him. As we press on in our final days before we see her face, we are trusting Him more than ever. We have come to REALLY realize our total dependence MUST be on Him. No other circumstance has pushed us to our knees or forced us to lay all we have at His feet like this journey. I am so thankful for the process. Whatever veils might be hanging for you right now.... those things that are not clear, those plans that are not going like you believed they would, those circumstances that are uncertain and unpredictable... I pray you, too, will begin to see the beauty in the process. It certainly hasn't come naturally for me. It has not been easy or even fun most days. But, it has been beautiful. In your season of longing, I pray you will push to see His face more and to trust Him fully. Even when you know there is no answer that would satisfy your "why," I pray you will have renewed strength as you wait on Him. And, out of nowhere He might grab hold of your pen mid-air and take your breath away! I am praying you will see His extravagant love, unmatched kindness, limitless grace, and tender mercies for you
when the veil thins.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Always.
I am writing from a hotel tonight while everyone else sleeps. I can't shut my mind down long enough to rest. My heart is too full. It's just been one of "those" days. You know, the kind that goes fast and slow all at the same time? The kind where you're not sure whether you want to laugh or cry all day. My heart has been so full of expectation for Passion 2013. We have spent so many hours in prayer leading up to this week. So, to hop into the car tonight after finishing up our final Christmas celebration was exciting for the kids and me (Mark arrived in Atlanta yesterday). Then it happened: the kids fell asleep almost immediately and it was just me and Him. And it was beautiful.
My mind began thinking while my lips began singing. I switched off the Christmas music (sad day) and chose to listen to my "White Flag" CD in preparations for Passion. I wanted to refocus my day on Him, on freedom, on choosing joy. Almost immediately my mind went to our recent trip to Haiti. I began praying for so many friends there who are hurting, alone, vulnerable, scared, insecure, and desperate for hope. I prayed for our sweet friends, Megan and Josh, who live there full-time ministering in Gressier (Respire Haiti). We enjoyed dinner at our house with Megan and Josh in November while they were in the states for a few days. When we went to Haiti I was excited to see a hand written note on their fridge, colored by one of the kids, that read: Today I Choose Joy. We have the same thing painted on a canvas in our kids' bathroom. So, when I commented on it, Josh said, "Yes, I saw it at your house and came here and made that one." And then it became so clear to me that joy really is a choice some days. After being in Haiti, especially, I better understand it. So much physical and spiritual bondage there left an impression on me that will be with me until the oppression there is gone. Child slaves. abandonment. sickness. poverty. It can feel so overwhelming, but then I remember it won't be this way forever. He came to set us free in order that we might help free others. Singing "White Flag" wasn't just out of routine this time. I had names and faces of slaves I know, ones our family prays for, and they aren't just a statistic anymore. They are real kids. With real pain and with deep wounds. My heart was drawn to praise while my eyes were drawn to tears. I can praise because He knows and hears.
Always.
As I sang on and tried to really take in every line of the familiar songs, I felt like every line left me undone. It was as if I was hearing them all for the first time, but with the familiarity that left me able to sing along. And then I heard it for the thousandth time, but as if the first: "It will be my joy to say, 'Your Will, Your Way....'" My Joy. Your Will. YOUR way. Really? Let's just be honest and agree that sometimes His Will and His way requires choosing joy. At least for me. I can sing it all day long with my arms raised in agreement, but when it comes down to it, sometimes His Will I can accept, but His way is a little harder. But, the lyric doesn't end there and neither did my heart lesson. The next word changes it even more. Every part of it changes. "It will be my joy to say, 'Your will, Your Way....
Always.'"
Always. Not just when I like it. Not just when He does things according to my wishes or my timing. Not just when things go how I want them to. Not just when His ways make sense to me.
Always.
In every season. In every wait. In every day. In every interaction. In every calling. In every attitude. In every conversation. In every situation.
Always.
I had to struggle through singing it the first few times as if convincing myself that it was okay to be joyful about His will AND His way. I am SO thankful His will has led us down the adoption road. Unbelievably grateful. There are so many ways to adopt, so many avenues to care for the fatherless. After all the praying, seeking, and fasting about it, we are humbled to our core God chose us to internationally adopt. We have many friends adopting, some domestically, some through fostering, and some internationally from other countries. None are more important than the other, each just done according to His call. So, in singing it was a great reminder of His will and the reassurance that He called us to this so clearly.
His way. Sigh. That part gets a little tougher. Complaining, rebelling, and growing bitter are certainly options. As is running from Him and running from all those who are walking the road with us. However, neither are His way. Running to His arms has proven to be where the only comfort lies. Continuing to have those who are encouraging us, praying for us, crying with us, and preparing for her beside us is such a sweet blessing to our longing hearts. It gets so easy to question and to grow weary, to run from what I know is true. But, in the end, His will done His way is the deepest desire of my heart. Even when I don't understand or like it. Choose joy.
always.
I am coming tonight with a heart that is so far from mastering this truth. I believe it's possible and I believe I am light years from where I once was. But, when the rubber meets the road and His will and His way differ from mine, choosing joy isn't always easy. It's intentional. It's worth it. It's purposed. It's never wasted. Never.
By the time the kids stirred 3 hours into the trip, I was singing, "It will be my joy to say,'Your will, Your way. Always,'" with confidence that His plan is good. With tears streaming down my face and one arm raised in the air (the other carefully navigating the steering wheel). He spoke so sweetly to my spirit, reminding me that His way is best and His love for me, for us, for her isn't dependent on what my eyes see or my flesh feels. But on Him... the One who is Sovereign. Sufficient. Good. Defender of the weak. Father to the Fatherless. Chain Breaker. Heart Healer. Soul Saver. Life Giver. Abundant.
Faithful.
always.
My mind began thinking while my lips began singing. I switched off the Christmas music (sad day) and chose to listen to my "White Flag" CD in preparations for Passion. I wanted to refocus my day on Him, on freedom, on choosing joy. Almost immediately my mind went to our recent trip to Haiti. I began praying for so many friends there who are hurting, alone, vulnerable, scared, insecure, and desperate for hope. I prayed for our sweet friends, Megan and Josh, who live there full-time ministering in Gressier (Respire Haiti). We enjoyed dinner at our house with Megan and Josh in November while they were in the states for a few days. When we went to Haiti I was excited to see a hand written note on their fridge, colored by one of the kids, that read: Today I Choose Joy. We have the same thing painted on a canvas in our kids' bathroom. So, when I commented on it, Josh said, "Yes, I saw it at your house and came here and made that one." And then it became so clear to me that joy really is a choice some days. After being in Haiti, especially, I better understand it. So much physical and spiritual bondage there left an impression on me that will be with me until the oppression there is gone. Child slaves. abandonment. sickness. poverty. It can feel so overwhelming, but then I remember it won't be this way forever. He came to set us free in order that we might help free others. Singing "White Flag" wasn't just out of routine this time. I had names and faces of slaves I know, ones our family prays for, and they aren't just a statistic anymore. They are real kids. With real pain and with deep wounds. My heart was drawn to praise while my eyes were drawn to tears. I can praise because He knows and hears.
Always.
As I sang on and tried to really take in every line of the familiar songs, I felt like every line left me undone. It was as if I was hearing them all for the first time, but with the familiarity that left me able to sing along. And then I heard it for the thousandth time, but as if the first: "It will be my joy to say, 'Your Will, Your Way....'" My Joy. Your Will. YOUR way. Really? Let's just be honest and agree that sometimes His Will and His way requires choosing joy. At least for me. I can sing it all day long with my arms raised in agreement, but when it comes down to it, sometimes His Will I can accept, but His way is a little harder. But, the lyric doesn't end there and neither did my heart lesson. The next word changes it even more. Every part of it changes. "It will be my joy to say, 'Your will, Your Way....
Always.'"
Always. Not just when I like it. Not just when He does things according to my wishes or my timing. Not just when things go how I want them to. Not just when His ways make sense to me.
Always.
In every season. In every wait. In every day. In every interaction. In every calling. In every attitude. In every conversation. In every situation.
Always.
I had to struggle through singing it the first few times as if convincing myself that it was okay to be joyful about His will AND His way. I am SO thankful His will has led us down the adoption road. Unbelievably grateful. There are so many ways to adopt, so many avenues to care for the fatherless. After all the praying, seeking, and fasting about it, we are humbled to our core God chose us to internationally adopt. We have many friends adopting, some domestically, some through fostering, and some internationally from other countries. None are more important than the other, each just done according to His call. So, in singing it was a great reminder of His will and the reassurance that He called us to this so clearly.
His way. Sigh. That part gets a little tougher. Complaining, rebelling, and growing bitter are certainly options. As is running from Him and running from all those who are walking the road with us. However, neither are His way. Running to His arms has proven to be where the only comfort lies. Continuing to have those who are encouraging us, praying for us, crying with us, and preparing for her beside us is such a sweet blessing to our longing hearts. It gets so easy to question and to grow weary, to run from what I know is true. But, in the end, His will done His way is the deepest desire of my heart. Even when I don't understand or like it. Choose joy.
always.
I am coming tonight with a heart that is so far from mastering this truth. I believe it's possible and I believe I am light years from where I once was. But, when the rubber meets the road and His will and His way differ from mine, choosing joy isn't always easy. It's intentional. It's worth it. It's purposed. It's never wasted. Never.
By the time the kids stirred 3 hours into the trip, I was singing, "It will be my joy to say,'Your will, Your way. Always,'" with confidence that His plan is good. With tears streaming down my face and one arm raised in the air (the other carefully navigating the steering wheel). He spoke so sweetly to my spirit, reminding me that His way is best and His love for me, for us, for her isn't dependent on what my eyes see or my flesh feels. But on Him... the One who is Sovereign. Sufficient. Good. Defender of the weak. Father to the Fatherless. Chain Breaker. Heart Healer. Soul Saver. Life Giver. Abundant.
Faithful.
always.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Full of Hope
This is the third time today I have sat to write. I am not sure if it's my head or my heart that is struggling the most to write. It isn't that there is bad news or new news. Perhaps that is the hardest part. Simply waiting. For nearly two years we have planned around the "what if we are gone" rationale. As we hung our ornaments last year and decorated the mantel with stockings we smiled, knowing the next time we did it she would be home. We decided after Passion last year that I would take some time off because "next year" she will be home and the time away for planning would be too much for both of us to be away.
Here we go, again.
It never occurred to me that we would still be in this place at this time. I am glad I had no idea. Part of me says it would've made it "easier" to go in knowing it would take this long. The other part of me trusts that God knew when to hang a veil and when not to. I recently studied this in a Beth Moore study where she accurately taught, "God is as purposed in hanging a veil as He is tearing one." No truer words have ever been spoken. I trust Him and believe the veil that is hanging before us full of "when's, " "why's," and longing is full of His purpose. In spite of being heartbroken and ready, we aren't hopeless. I hung her stocking this year with a new hope... one that simply said, "One day, in His time, she will be here to hang this and to wake up to it being full on Christmas morning." It doesn't make it any easier, but it does focus us on hope.
I am not sure what her days look like or if she longs for us like we long for her. I don't know if she will like one thing we will place in her stocking this year or how she will respond to the madness on Christmas morning at our house when she is home. I do know, however, that He is knitting our hearts to hers in a supernatural way; a way only He can do. On the days I wake and find it hard to focus on anything or find it impossible to have a conversation without tears, I can sense Him sweetly saying,
"Here we go, again."
Not as if He is frustrated or annoyed with my tears or my questions, but as if He stands ready to reassure me as many times as is necessary that He hasn't forgotten her. I am so thankful. In this season, the wait is especially difficult. We know so many who are spending Christmas without someone they dearly love. Our struggle is much the same. But, as we wait we haven't lost Hope. Just like God's chosen people hadn't heard from Him in over 400 years, certain He had forgotten them, they woke to the good news, "For unto you this day in the city of David a Savior has been born, He is Christ the Lord." Praise Him! He saw past our wanderings, past our desires, past our mistakes, and past what we deserved straight to what we needed: A Savior. Hope is never lost on His timetable.
We are grateful to our knees for all of you who faithfully pray for us. Your prayers are a priceless treasure. And despite the hanging veil, we are full of Hope and trust that as Christmas draws near He will comfort each part, each heart, each longing. We are praying your family has a blessed Christmas, full of hope.
"For unto you this day in the city of David, a child has been born, a Savior who is the Christ Lord!"
Here we go, again.
It never occurred to me that we would still be in this place at this time. I am glad I had no idea. Part of me says it would've made it "easier" to go in knowing it would take this long. The other part of me trusts that God knew when to hang a veil and when not to. I recently studied this in a Beth Moore study where she accurately taught, "God is as purposed in hanging a veil as He is tearing one." No truer words have ever been spoken. I trust Him and believe the veil that is hanging before us full of "when's, " "why's," and longing is full of His purpose. In spite of being heartbroken and ready, we aren't hopeless. I hung her stocking this year with a new hope... one that simply said, "One day, in His time, she will be here to hang this and to wake up to it being full on Christmas morning." It doesn't make it any easier, but it does focus us on hope.
I am not sure what her days look like or if she longs for us like we long for her. I don't know if she will like one thing we will place in her stocking this year or how she will respond to the madness on Christmas morning at our house when she is home. I do know, however, that He is knitting our hearts to hers in a supernatural way; a way only He can do. On the days I wake and find it hard to focus on anything or find it impossible to have a conversation without tears, I can sense Him sweetly saying,
"Here we go, again."
Not as if He is frustrated or annoyed with my tears or my questions, but as if He stands ready to reassure me as many times as is necessary that He hasn't forgotten her. I am so thankful. In this season, the wait is especially difficult. We know so many who are spending Christmas without someone they dearly love. Our struggle is much the same. But, as we wait we haven't lost Hope. Just like God's chosen people hadn't heard from Him in over 400 years, certain He had forgotten them, they woke to the good news, "For unto you this day in the city of David a Savior has been born, He is Christ the Lord." Praise Him! He saw past our wanderings, past our desires, past our mistakes, and past what we deserved straight to what we needed: A Savior. Hope is never lost on His timetable.
We are grateful to our knees for all of you who faithfully pray for us. Your prayers are a priceless treasure. And despite the hanging veil, we are full of Hope and trust that as Christmas draws near He will comfort each part, each heart, each longing. We are praying your family has a blessed Christmas, full of hope.
"For unto you this day in the city of David, a child has been born, a Savior who is the Christ Lord!"
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Eyes
I am writing today with a longing heart, a hopeful spirit, and tear-filled
eyes.
He sees. He knows. Our minds can be so deceiving, making us believe what we see with our human
eyes
is all there is. When we rely on our own strength we are forced to believe our circumstances are all we have, that they determine our destiny. The enemy is so good at his game, getting us to believe we are forgotten or forsaken in our hurting. On Sunday morning Mark made a comment while preaching about God not being bound by our circumstances. I have thought about it so many times, because it becomes so easy to rely on what we can see with our
eyes.
Today is one of those days I am forced to open the Word, see what He says in order to crush the lies of the enemy. I am thankful for the reminder that His Truths trump every human emotion (thanks, Beth Moore!). When I look at my days in the wait they can seem long and overwhelming, but He sees them through His
eyes.
His eyes see the beginning from the end, the first from the last, the past, the present, and the future. And, He sees things according to His Word which clearly states:
"The LORD will work out His plans for my life- for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138:8
That written, by David, in a season of waiting to be delivered from the hands of his enemy. His plans were still good, still right, still full, still "on time." Job even says in Job 23:14, "So He will do to me whatever he has planned. He controls my destiny." Who could stand more confidant in God's plan in the midst of trials than Job? I find comfort from Jeremiah's prayer, after losing everything because of their idolatry, Jeremiah says, "I know, Lord, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course." Try as they might, they could not control their own lives. And destruction comes when we scheme to get our way and plan our own course; there is proof over and over again in scripture. So, I am leaning in tight today on His watchful
eye.
Trusting it. Trusting Him. Trusting His Truths. Trusting His promises. Here are a few more, I pray they will encourage you today as I sit encouraged by His love letter to us:
"Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."Jeremiah 29:11
"You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:21
"Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, 'I will never leave you. I will never abandon you.'" Hebrews 13:5
No matter what your circumstances look like. Despite how you FEEL. Regardless of what you can see with merely your
eyes.
He is faithful. Remember His words in 1 Corinthians 2:9?
"That is what the scriptures mean when they say, 'No EYE has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.'"
We can't see it with our eyes, hear it with our ears, or imagine it in our minds. I am resting in that today. I pray you will, too. If His
Eye
is on the sparrow (Luke 12:6), He most certainly hasn't forgotten about any of us, His prized possession (James 1:18). As I wait to look into her dark
eyes,
I find comfort and rest in looking into His kind, compassionate, loving, caring, healing, comforting, gracious, peaceful, sympathetic, strong, Sovereign, timely
eyes.
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