Do Not Waver....

It's surreal.

The paperwork we have spent six months on and the forms we have driven all over the state to have notarized, signed, sealed, and verified are en route to Ethiopia. It's hard to believe and it's even difficult to wrap my mind around in a weird way... It's what we've been waiting on for so long, yet it feels like it all happened fast at the same time. It's just... surreal. And exciting. And frustrating. And difficult. And scary. And overwhelming. And bigger than us.

Early in the summer I told Brycen and Regan the three of us were going to memorize the first chapter of James. James is my favorite book of the BIble, full of "ouches" and polarizing commands. That's why I love it. Just when I get prideful and arrogant a few sentences into James and I am humbled and ready to see myself in need of a Healer, again. So we started on James this week. We are memorizing two verses a day and I have been amazed at how quickly the kids memorize it and retain it day after day (it's not that easy when you get older!). But, it has been such a joy to talk to them everyday about what the verses mean. You know, what they REALLY mean... not what I want them to mean or what will fit into my life easily. To hear them ask questions and really grab hold of the words James was teaching believers has blown me away. For so long I have heard the words..."when trouble comes your way consider an opportunity for great joy. For when your faith is tested your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow! For when your endurance is fully developed you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." Isn't that hard to even grasp? Perfect. Complete. Needing Nothing. All through the testing of our faith and allowing our endurance to grow.
When I asked the kids about things that might test their faith they gave some great answers. Then I explained that with the adoption there
might be days and weeks and months that go by where we don't see or hear anything. But, it doesn't mean we lose our faith! Regan said, "Yea, Mom. We can't lose our faith at all. God knows and sees our sister all the time. We can't lose faith on that!" I think she gets it. Then I said, "So when trouble comes our way are we supposed to complain or gripe or have a pity party or be selfish or throw our hands up and walk away?" Brycen replied, "No Mom. Choose joy instead. Mr. Kent (our children's pastor) said joy isn't about circumstance. It's about having Jesus." Um, I think he gets it, too.
We spent the next days talking about wisdom and the difference in knowledge and wisdom. As James teaches, we spent one entire lunch around the table talking about asking "our generous God" for wisdom and the fact that "He will give it to you." I, too often, have stopped there, because you know, that fits into my life.... ask God for wisdom and He will give it to me. But, the passage doesn't end there. It goes on to say that "when you ask make sure your faith is in God alone. Do not waver. For a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as the waves of the sea that are being blown and tossed by the wind. " Ouch. One phrase continually jumps out at me when the kids repeat these
verses or when it comes my turn to recite them: DO NOT WAVER.

Divided loyalty is obviously a big deal to God. The passage actually goes on to say that a person with loyalty divided between God and the
world should not expect to receive anything from the Lord and that they are unstable in everything they do. Have you ever known someone whose life just seemed blown and tossed by the wind all the time? Unsettled? Unstable? It was great conversation pouring into the kids that though I, nor Mark, have it mastered, God gives us clear direction how to live a life that ISN"T characterized that way: don't be divided in your loyalty. DO NOT WAVER. Even when the timing isn't what I would've hoped for. Even when it gets hard. Even when it feels out of my hands. Even when it's bigger than me. Especially when it's bigger than me. Do not waver.

Initially I thought James would be a great place to start memorizing a chapter because it IS so relevant to life, to living, to relationships. What I didn't expect was to find hidden in those verses a sweet treasure for my heart, my longing heart. Don't be divided in my loyalty to God. No matter what happens, what doesn't happen, what we hear, what we don't hear. Our daughter is His, even more than she is ours. He loves her, even more than we love her. He has known her since the beginning of time, and He knows the number of her days. Even when I cry myself to sleep longing to make sure she is safe, do not waver. Even when no one seems to have answers, He knows every date, every court proceeding, every timeline. Do not waver. When I am tempted to rely on statistics and averages... Do not waver.

As you face "troubles that come your way" I am praying together we can choose to make it an opportunity for joy. It is so much easier to complain, have pity parties, give up. But, in that our endurance isn't fully developed... and our lives begin to resemble an unsettled wave of the sea. Today, with paperwork halfway around the world and a daughter lying alone tonight, my heart is fighting anxiety and worry. And then I remember the words in my heart and I am leaning in tight on them.....

DO NOT WAVER.