Christmas in the waiting...

Sigh.

Hard. Day.

Christmas was tough for me... and though Mark and I didn't want to be a downer on Christmas, I think it was hard on us both. It was as if one could tangibly feel that someone was missing. All morning the kids played (loudly) and we had our traditional big breakfast. As always Thomas had spent the night with us and enjoyed our festive Christmas morning. It all felt so "normal" while feeling so different at the same time. I fought back tears repeatedly and even had to break away a time or two to just cry. It hurts. Christmas in the waiting.

I am still desperately longing to have the balance figured out of living to give and still not second-guessing every purchase. I was thrilled with how "little" the kids got, yet how genuinely excited they were with their Christmas morning. Yet, in all the fun I was remembering how blessed we are, not wanting to miss it for a second... not wanting to forget that our day was full of what over 90% of the world only dream of... plenty of food, Christmas feast (after a huge breakfast), toys, and above all... each other. Family. Break away for tears...again.

It was a great day, don't get me wrong. It was, actually, one of the best Christmases I can remember. This year was full of talking about why Jesus came to begin with all those years ago. Not thinking of Himself or what would be easiest, He came in order to selflessly give. In that, Christmas should be about selflessly giving, not thinking about ourselves, what we want, or what is easiest. All of that really hit me Christmas morning- that He would love me enough to come into this hard, cold, deceitful world in order to ultimately adopt me from it. Amazing.

Fast forward to today... We had our "Christmas" with my sister, her family, my parents, and my grandparents today. It was organized chaos and we wouldn't have it any other way! With ten kids between us (the oldest is 15) it was fun, full of wrapping paper, and a total blast. We were able to celebrate Tia and Garrett's first Christmas in our family and in the US (they are our 6 year old niece and nephew adopted from Ethiopia earlier this year). Sheer fun. Then after most all the gifts were open and each of the granddaughters had opened a soft, cloth doll from Grammie, Mom told me there was one more gift in a hidden bag. She wanted Regan to open it. When she handed it to Regan, Mom said, "Regan, this is for your sister." Tears. Regan pulled out a "brown" doll that matched her own "white" doll. Perfect. In an instant, it made our daughter there with us, celebrated, not forgotten or overlooked. It immediately made it "okay" for me to be grieving that she wasn't home with us, but that we can love on her in the waiting.

So, in the waiting her doll has a new home (and soon so will she!) right here:



Tonight as I snapped the pictures of the doll and Regan I sat on the bed with Regan to chat. We looked through Christmas pictures and videos. She sat up and said, "Video me." I laughed because she is always a star looking for a rolling camera! She said, "No! Really... I have something to say to people." I, again, laughed, thinking she might break out into dancing, singing, or telling some kind of story. But, rather when the red-light flashed she immediately explained about the dolls and how she can't wait to teach her sister English, to have fun with her, and that other people should adopt children because then, more children would have families. She ended her video looking straight into the camera saying, "Thank you." As if she knew others would hear her plea and readily accept. I sure hope so! I will try to figure this blogger thing out and upload the video. As of now, no luck!

So, I am learning to be in the journey, not just on the journey. To be teachable, moldable, and moved by God's compassion on me, on us, as His chosen creation is part of this process. I don't want to miss Him showing me HIM in all the dates, paperwork, finances, letters, signatures, and appointments. He is so faithful to remind me He is seeing and knowing every detail, every tear, and every fear....even through our Christmas in the waiting.