Green Salad and Pink Sheets

Thanksgiving. Just hearing it conjures up so many memories, emotions, sights, and smells. If your family is like our family everybody has "their dish" to bring to the Thanksgiving feast. You know, the one dish you are "known" for. For my Nannie it was green salad. Lime jello salad made in a green plastic, round mold. Yumm! It was always my favorite growing up. Since Nannie went to be with Jesus I was honored to be given her green, plastic mold....everyone knew it was my favorite "Nannie dish" (that and her hot tamales!). So, now, it is my turn to bring green salad to Thanksgiving every year. Gladly! This year is no exception. But, this year is different.

As I was shopping for the ingredients I was reminded of Nannie, her laugh, her smell, her hugs. It's always a little emotional and sentimental for me. But as I walked the aisles of the grocery store yesterday, I couldn't help but think about Nannie, an important part of my Thanksgiving's in the past as well as our Ethiopian daughter, who will be an important part of my Thanksgiving's in the future.

Thanksgiving. Feast. It almost hurts to write. I am so, so thankful for the journey we are on. I am thankful for what and how this journey is teaching me. I am so thankful for four great, healthy kids who love laughter and cuddle time. I am ever so grateful for a loving husband, one that I never have to worry about how he feels about me. What blessings! I am thankful for those caring for our daughter in Ethiopia today. For her birth family and the love they most certainly have for her. I am thankful God has "birthed" in us expanding our family this way. So, so thankful. I am thankful that yesterday I was able to buy crisp, new hot pink sheets and put them on the new mattress on the bottom bunk in the "girls" room. Thankful that I was able to get those sheets because my heart missed her and wanted to feel like I was doing something for her. It was so special for me to put those sheets on her bed and dream about tucking her in one day. Thankful.

Feast. That's where it gets hard. I am continuing to pray as Regan prays that "my sister will feel full today." I want to go into Thanksgiving so grateful for the provisions for us, for the ability we have to be with family and to have the abundance. But, I also want to go into it mindful of the billions all over the globe who have never seen a feast, much less had the opportunity to partake in one. I am so thankful that one day, our beloved Ethiopian daughter will know a Thanksgiving feast when she sees it. One day.

So for now, I will be honored to be the one known for making the green salad. My kids will grow up thinking that was "my" recipe. I will be teaching my girls to make green salad before you know it! In the meantime, I will look at those pink sheets and pray. Looking forward to a Thanksgiving when I can tuck my newest daughter into her very own bed.

"Sunny! Side-up!"

Update: Today Regan came home and put a waded up one dollar bill in the adoption fund jar. When I asked her about it, she said,"Oh, it's the one dollar bill from last week that (insert boy's name here) took back home. He brought it to me today and said he talked to his mom about it and they wanted us to have it." Full Circle.

Original Post:

Our family loves family movie nights. One of our recent favorites is," Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs." There are so many great scenes in the movie, but the one thing I love is being able to watch our kids faces as the ice cream falls from the sky, or cheeseburgers, or meatballs. They love it! It was so special to be able to watch the movie and then say, "Guess what? Did you all know God was the One that actually did make food fall from the sky?" Brycen was familiar with the story of God sending manna from heaven to provide for the children of Israel, but Regan was new to it. Come to think of it, I had never REALLY given the idea of food really falling from the sky much thought until that movie. Then, it occurred to me... God really is the God who provides in the most unlikely of places. I feel confident that none of the Israelites roaming around hungry prayed for God to rain food from the sky. Yet, He chose to provide in a way that would only give Him glory. Man! I love that!

Moving on. This past weekend Mark and I worked tirelessly trying to get our adoption support letters written, addressed, stamped, and prayed over. The whole process we kept reminding one another that God is the one who will provide for this, though we felt like He was calling us to write the letter. We even talked about what a blessing it is to have so many we felt like we COULD send a letter to. Provision. It was all we were thinking of all weekend. Trusting God's provision. Period. As I spent time in prayer today God repeatedly took me to places in Scripture where He provided in unlikely, unexpected ways. I started with the manna and how unbelievable that must have been. Then, I turned and reread the story of Abraham and Isaac. Sigh. God spoke to me in a whole new way about Abraham's perspective. Walking all the way to the sacrificial table, laying his son on the altar, and all the while trusting God was going to provide. Writing and mailing those support letters felt like "our walk" figuratively speaking. We are heading straight for the heart of this little girl, trusting God will make a way with all our might. Then, Abraham spotted a ram caught in the thicket (Genesis 22:13). A sacrifice provided. Amazing. In the unlikeliest of places. Humbling.

I read more about provision in the unlikeliest of places... but rested on the ONE unlikeliest of provisions. That in our depravity and sin God would look at us, make the "walk" to earth, take on humanity, and then be there, caught in the thicket on our behalf. A sacrifice provided. Amazing. In the unlikeliest of places. Humbling.

Fast forward. Last week I picked Regan up in the gym after school and she was so excited as she approached. She was holding a one dollar bill. She said, "Look at what I got today for the adoption jar." I was thrilled at her enthusiasm as I inquired about where she got the money. She told me that a little boy in her class gave it to her. I wasn't at all upset about the situation, but wanted to make sure the little boy wouldn't get in trouble. My concern was that he had the money for something specific and my blonde haired beauty had come away with it. Mrs. Burnette and I spoke with the kids and indeed, he had given her the money, but wasn't sure if his mom would be okay with him giving it away. Regan got really upset and began to cry. I kept reassuring her that she wasn't in trouble. The little boy decided to keep his money, better safe than sorry. Regan was really disappointed. Finally, she said, "I just wanted the money for the jar."

When I got in the pick-up line at school today I saw Regan struggling to walk out, because she had something heavy. I couldn't figure out what it was until she got closer. My eyes filled with tears as I saw it.... a large tupperware bowl full of loose change with a $20 stretched across the top. She was grinning from ear to ear. "Look Mom! This is all adoption money!" We have received a few financial gifts already on this journey and all are appreciated, needed, and overwhelming to me. But, to see Regan walk out with that bowl was simply, PROVISION. Her broken heart over that one "lost" dollar last week was no where to be seen today. Provision. In the unlikeliest of places. I don't want to give the identity away to the one who gave, but the value of the bowl was far more than the $102 contained inside.

So, to steal a line from our beloved, "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs," today's forecast was, "Sunny! Side-up!"

Nesting and Nausea

I don't know how "it" happens. I don't even fully understand when "it" exactly happens. But, I most assuredly know "it" DOES happen. Only in Christ can we experience nesting, sensitive emotions, having waves of nausea, and a need for out-of-the-ordinary naps when we aren't pregnant, but merely expecting. Whew! I still likely have a year or longer in this process and already, WHAM! I feel like I am expecting. The craziest things make me cry. Just today I turned on the bath water for the boys and was drawn to tears. Clean water. Lots of it. My daughter is living today without clean water, a bath with warm water, or her Mom to snatch her up and wrap her in a warm towel when the tub starts cooling off.

I am thankful God does these things in this process. It is confirmation that, yes, we are indeed expecting! It is the same sense of overwhelming excitement that comes when you hear your babies heartbeat for the first time or feel his/her movements inside. A real life, coming in to join our lives. Sigh. I love that He does this. It is the nesting that comes with trying to figure out the practical "where are the clothes going to go?", "what all do we still need?", and "how in the world are we gonna get it all done?" Then, in those moments God has been faithful to whisper into my spirit, "Rest. My yoke has led you here. You are learning from me and I never run out of resources, time, or creativity." Tears. Again.

We have had a fun weekend as a family, sharing much of our time with the mid-Atlantic roadies from Invisible Children. We spent a lot of time talking with the kids about adoption, their sister, and even talking with them about how they will feel when others question our family or ask them about why their sister looks different. Regan has simply astounded me throughout the last few weeks. Her sincerity, excitement, and love for her sister is tangible when she speaks about her. She just lights up. But, when I asked Regan how she would respond if someone asked her why her sister looked different than the rest of us she said, "Um, Mom. Because God made her that way and He thinks she looks just like a McKeehan." Tears. Again. "Yes, Regan, she sure does look just like a McKeehan." Thanks for the reminder. She is teaching me so much. A few Friday's ago on the car ride to school, I asked the kids what they wanted to pray for that morning. Anticipating I would ask about prayer requests, because we always pray on the way to school, Regan said, "Mom, I was thinking, what is my sister doing now?" I noticed the time, tried to calculate the time difference and realized it would've been just after lunch. So I explained it was just after lunch time and she might be napping or playing outside. Regan said, "So, do you think she was able to eat lunch today?" Oh, dear. Fighting back the tears, I replied, "Well, Regan, I hope so. If there was food where she is, I am sure she ate something." Regan requested to pray that morning. Her prayer that day changed how I pray for our daughter living on the other side of the globe. Regan prayed, "God, thank you for our sister. Please help her to feel full today. Help us meet her soon. In Jesus' Name, Amen." Help her to feel full. Tears. Again. In genuine trust, Regan knows that only God can make our sweet, loved daughter feel supernaturally full and she trusts He will. So do I.

When I posed the same question to Brycen about when people question him about the why's with his sister he said, "Mom, she needs a family and we need a sister. That's all." Why do we have to complicate it? "Yes," I replied, "That is all, Brycen. I love your heart for her." He said, "It isn't hard to love her, Mom." Tears. Again.

In all of that, I just feel like I am expecting. Trying to get a dresser for the girls to share, a mattress for her bed (thanks, Michelle!), agency stuff finalized, finding a dining room table that will seat 8, and enjoying every second with these amazing kids I already have can be exhausting. And then I hear, "Rest. I made you to need to rest in these days. Rest, so you know I am sufficient." Tears. Again.

I am so blessed and humbled by this journey, emotions, tears, paperwork, and uncertainties. I am even learning to be thankful for the nesting and nausea!

Innie or Outie?

Belly buttons. Such a funny little part of the human body that we don't give much thought to, unless you have a newborn needing umbilical cord care. We spent much of our day holding Corbin and cuddling on the couch after he spent last night sick. In the cuddle time I was chatting with him, having him tell me his body parts as I pointed to them. When I got to his belly button he began laughing. "Bewey Bu-un," he'd say, laughing all the while. In that moment I was instantly aware of how common our belly buttons are, yet how unique and special all at the same time.

Recently, amid all my adoption reading, I came across a story about a little girl asking questions about her birth mom. Knowing these questions were common the adoptive mom was trying to help the daughter understand. Using her belly button, the adoptive mom was trying to help the child learn that she grew inside her birth mom and the two were attached where her belly button is located. I thought about the concept, finding it an interesting way to explain about having a birth mom and an adoptive mom.

Bewey bu-uns. It hit me today, not for the first time, but more overwhelming than ever before. Our sweet daughter living half way around the world likely has a birth mom who loves, adores, and misses her. Intensely. Just like we long to hold her, love her, teach her, and hear her laugh, so does her birth mom, who has clearly loved sacrificially and selflessly like few people I know. I grieved for her today. I prayed for her today. Sure, there is the chance our daughter was orphaned due to the death of her mom, but it is equally as likely she wasn't. It made my heart hurt for her birth mom.

Today made me so thankful for God's creativity. I have never really sat and considered all that our "innies and "outies" represent. But, I , for one, am glad God left us a visible reminder of the miracle of pregnancy, birth, and the fact that at one time we were totally dependent on someone else for survival. I am thankful that our precious daughter will have a belly button (and a cute one at that!) to remind us and to remind her that she has a mom who gave our daughter the chance at life. In that little circle on her tummy she always has a part of her birth mom, the place where the two of them were uniquely connected like no two other people on the planet. I'm grateful she will have that reminder. I am grateful I will have that reminder. Without that cute little button, she couldn't be our daughter.

As I sat praying for our sweet, loved little girl today it occurred to me that her birth mom already knows her eye color, the texture of her hair, and the shape of her nose. Her birth mom even knows if she has an innie or an outie.

And soon, so will I. And I can't wait!

One of "Those" Days

Today, we welcomed a new niece into the family! She is a beautiful baby with a head full of brown hair, weighing in at a whopping 8lb, 4 oz! Today, we held her. Sweet Baby Brynley. Today Mark and I drove to the hospital alone and chatted about some adoption decisions. We even talked about needing to get a mattress for Regan's bottom bunk bed sometime. Today, God provided it when a friend asked if anyone needed a full mattress. Today.

Today, I came home to house full of women who were finishing up Bible Study while I had been at the hospital. I put the little boys down for a nap after lunch and I sat. Tearful. Today. I know God is already growing me so much through this journey. Today, I was reminded of being a spiritual orphan in need of a Rescuer. Today, I was reminded of the beauty of birth, life, relationships. In the quiet, I sat, grabbed my Bible as I tried to keep the tears from falling, thinking about what our daughter might be doing in Ethiopia, likely preparing for bed. More tears. Today I was reminded that she likely sleeps in a room with many other children, without her own pajamas, bed, or blanket. Today.

Then, I just let them fall... all those tears I have for her. Well, not all of them, but the ones for today. Today, God was so gentle to me through His word as I read. He reminded me of His tender mercies, His holding every tear in a bottle, His provisions, and His unique ability to renew our strength. Today, I read some verses in Isaiah about waiting on the Lord. Not on finances. Not on answers to questions. Not on our time. Not on paperwork. Only in waiting on the Lord can our strength be renewed. Today I needed that reminder.

Today, I want our daughter to know she is loved. Today I want her to feel full. Today I want her to be well. Just like baby Brynley, our little girl is such a gift. I have thought about her all day. Today is just one of "those" days.

IT'S A.... GIRL!!!!

I love being pregnant. Really. What a mystery and miracle, all woven up into one expanding tummy!! Pregnancy amazes me. From start to finish, I am fascinated and captured by the intricate detail it involves. As a labor and delivery nurse for 10 years, I shared in thousands of birth experiences. Some I can remember perfectly, but many of them all run together as just "a days work." But, for every mom and baby I cared for, that mom remembers every detail of her experience. Amazing. Life-changing. Miraculous.

One of my favorite seasons of pregnancy is around the 18-20th week when we enter that small, dark room to confirm the gender of our wee one. So many dreams for him/her already, names swarming in our heads, and mental pictures of what a girl would look like or what a boy would look like. Then, walking out and making the proclamation, "It's a...." as everyone waits with wide eyes. I love being pregnant.

But, over the course of the last few months God has opened my eyes to a different miracle. As I have looked at scripture and really looked at the depravity of mankind, I am taken aback. From the beginning of time God had a plan for the orphan. The Spiritual orphan. He made a way, at all cost, to offer us a chance, a hope, a way out of our natural destiny. In that, He also clearly made and continues to makes a way for the physical, literal orphan. As I look at my biological children, I stand in awe of a God who can do that: take two people and make one person from the joining of the two. But, there is something altogether different about adoption. It is a miracle set apart. It is one thing to be loved unconditionally, entering your family as a welcomed addition. It is an entirely different process to be fought for, pursued, and loved without obligation, but out of sheer love, like Christ has done for us. Amazing. Life-changing. Miraculous.

We initially went into this process preparing to adopt a sibling group. We knew of a family who was unsure about whether their circumstances would allow them to keep their 3 year old twins. We wanted to be ready. Grateful and humbled that God has made a way to keep that family together, we were able to step back, look at our family, the ages of our children, and listen. Listen to what the Holy Spirit was speaking, where scripture was leading, and then to just obey. Mark and I spent several days focusing our prayers regarding the adoption on this one thing: sibling group or one? We were open to the Holy Spirit's leading. As I sat last week reading adoption books... I really wanted to be intentional about hearing what God had to say. As I sat, I repeatedly heard in my spirit, "One at a time." That night as I shared with Mark, he, too, had felt he was being led in the same direction. And, so, it was done. We will likely adopt two, but "one at a time." The reasons are many, but the only reason that matters is that HE said so.

With that (and the fact that we have a daughter who would KILL us if we brought another boy home before bringing her home sister), we are super excited to share: IT'S A GIRL!!!!

"This is what I really want"

This journey, young as it is, has already been so humbling, so emotional, so... did I mention humbling? Over the past couple of years our children have known the ups & downs, certainty & uncertainty, beauty & ashes, that all come with any adoption story. My niece and nephew, Tia and Garrett, have only been with their forever family for nearing 12 weeks. Brycen and Regan prayed and prayed, even cried and cried with us along the journey to make them part of our extended family. Just last weekend as we visited Charlotte, NC to enjoy a few days with Mendy, David, and their 6 kids (Tia and Garrett are the newest additions) I sat and listened to all the cousins playing. Bliss. It brought back all the car ride talks, bedtime chats, and prayers at all hours of the night in the pursuit to bring Tia and Garrett home. Bliss. Oh wait, I think I already said that. Anyway. My heart was drawn to thankfulness, my lips couldn't be quiet as I prayed aloud, "Thank you, God, for this gift of adoption. And, thank you that you are faithful, always making a way for the orphan." Though Mark and I never left our children out of the talks about Tia and Garrett and what was going on paperwork wise, neither did we necessarily think they really understood all that was going on. How wrong we (at least, I) was.

Humbling.... Yes, this process has been so humbling. About 6 weeks ago it was a busy Wednesday night and I was trying to get all the kids loaded into the car for church. I had all the boys in and buckled in car seats. I started the car and waited. Regan. What in the world could possibly be taking her so long? Waited. Then, under my breath wondering where she could be I got out of the car, went inside loudly asking (to put it mildly), "Regan! Where are..." Then, she came around the corner in the kitchen holding something behind her. I could tell she had no idea she was "late."

"Sweety, what are you doing? The boys and I are waiting on you in the car."

"Well, Mom. I was wondering if you and Dad could save this to help bring a brother or sister home." Then, she handed me a quarter. Instant tears. Earlier that day I had struggled with how all this was financially going to come to fruition. In that moment God whispered in my spirit, "I have this, Carrie. Rest." So, our adoption fund officially started that night.

It opened up the perfect opportunity to talk to Brycen and Regan about needing to specifically pray for 2 things: that God would lead us the sweet girl who He wants in our family and that He would provide the money for her to come home.

Mark and I found the perfect glass container to put on the counter for "adoption money." We were overwhelmed to hear that lone, Regan-found quarter hit the bottom of that glass jar. Any of us can add loose change or bills when we want.... it's just a constant reminder to all of us that: (1) There is a sweet girl (I will get to that decision on another post) waiting for us in Ethiopia and we love her profusely without even knowing her name (2) God has to provide to make any of this possible (3) This is going to take sacrifice, not just the financial kind.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks later, I realized how much Brycen, too, "got it." Brycen received a late birthday card with a $20 in it. That night after we got home I overheard Mark say, "Hey buddy, you don't have to put that money in the adoption jar. That money is for you for your birthday. You can spend it and get something you really want for your birthday."

"Dad," Brycen replied back, opening the lid to the glass container, "this is what I really want."

He locked the lid after his crisp $20 hit the bottom, watching it fall the whole way.

Humbling.